2012 Cassandra Report II: Predictions 13 – 20

Both parties have completely given up on the Federalist view that America is made up of States.  One party centralizes power almost by accident.  They do it like a dog scratches fleas (see: absolutely everything).  The other party talks about “states rights” so long as they don’t have to face states actually making decisions (see: Terri Schiavo).

I dislike this development.  A Federation of 50 states has an inherent range of options.  It allows people to move from places they hate (see: gun buffs in California) to places they favor (see: gun buffs in Texas).  It allows each individual to seek their own habitat (see: hippies in California) and leave places where they’re unhappy (see: hippies in Texas).  It’s bad to lock people in a place from which there is no escape (see: most nations in most of history).

In honor of the states and the remaining differences between them I make the following predictions:

  1. California will have electrical brown outs. Lacking either an Enron or a Bush to blame, they will claim it was caused by weather and condors. Governor Jerry Brown will promise more windmills; which will be dependent on weather and kill condors…this will cause brownouts.
  2. Texas will execute extra criminals while experiencing a booming economy. They’ll do this just to piss off folks in fading former powerhouses like New York and California.
  3. Wisconsin will experience a thriving economy and balanced budget.  This will infuriate unions which are trying to get Scott Walker recalled.  Walker, who campaigned on fiscal issues and is doing exactly what he said he would, will squeak out a victory against the recall.  After a recall battle which breaks all former records, is entirely negative, and financed by out of state interests, citizens will ponder suicide en masse.
  4. Obama will campaign in Wisconsin only if it’s clear that Walker will lose; at which point he will claim that only he, the great Obama himself, can throw Scott Walker into the pits of Modor.  If it’s clear that Walker is about to win the recall, Obama will avoid the entire time zone.
  5. Michigan, which didn’t engage in a Walker like examination of budgets, will quietly sell Detroit for medical experiments.  This will keep their state government running for six hours.
  6. Iowa, which nobody cares about, will become very very popular for a few months.  Both parties, recognizing the seriousness of our $15,366,385,247,458.29 debt, will decide that it’s a really good idea to keep subsidizing corn.
  7. North Dakota will continue it’s oil boom. Americans will grudgingly learn to locate North Dakota on a map.  Unemployed young men who escape the siren song of Occupy Whatever will flock there to find work.  As soon as they’ve made enough money to buy a decent truck they’ll flee for warmer climes. The entire population of North Dakota (all forty of them) will be delighted with their thriving economy while secretly wishing the newcomers would leave.  Obama’s campaign, recognizing employed people busily making fossil fuels have no time to screw around listening to speeches, will avoid that entire portion of the continent. Inexplicably, his Republican opponent will avoid the state too. The common ground between the parties is that neither of them care about North Dakota and their measly three electoral college votes.  (Also that free market jobs are radioactive.)
  8. Rhode Island will smugly point out that it has four electoral votes compared to North Dakota’s three.  North Dakota residents will point out that they have lawns larger than Rhode Island.

Update:  Here’s the link to Cassandra Report I.

About Adaptive Curmudgeon

I will neither confirm nor deny that I actually exist.
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6 Responses to 2012 Cassandra Report II: Predictions 13 – 20

  1. C. S. P. Schofield says:

    21) In Democrat areas like Detroit, Chicago, or Los Angeles there will be massive discrepancies and ‘glitches’ in the voting process, which the Media will do their level best to ignore. At the same time any minor issue with voting in Republican districts will be treated as it it were a 98% victory margin in an election in a South American Kleptocracy.

    22) Large numbers of people will be mortally offended when it is suggested that #21 is an indication of rampant, one-sided, media bias.

  2. parascribe says:

    Man, I wish you were wrong. But I don’t think so…

  3. MSgt B says:

    Keep it coming.

    You’re on a roll

  4. TJR says:

    Regarding North Dakota. Sounds about right to me, other than the people in the actual boom areas make no bones about not liking the influx of people and have mixed feelings about the remarkably mild winter, because there is a general feeling that a couple of weeks of 40 below would clear out a lot of the riff raff.

  5. Pingback: 2012 Cassandra Report III: Predictions 21 – 34 | The Adaptive Curmudgeon's Blog

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