Political Conventions Are Hilarious

During a series of chaotic home maintenance “events” I dropped off the grid. (Don’t worry I’ll tell you all about my adventures in home maintenance later.) I happened to drop off the grid at an opportune moment. It went like this:

Last week:

“We here at America’s Pravda are bringing you the news report for the future scene of what we expect to be a Class VII Shitpocalpse. After carefully considering all of our biases, we have decided that the Republican convention is almost certainly going to bring about the end of life as we know it. Reliable reports (that we made up) indicate the Donald Trump is not only the Antichrist but that he is going to rape a monkey on stage. We fully expect that the entire city of Cleveland will be burned to the ground. We recommend to our listeners that you shelter in place and pray for the lost souls of the everyone in Cleveland who will be certainly killed by Trump’s hair.”

This week:

“Despite the fact that virtually nothing exciting happened last week we are still making shit up. Now we’re concerned that Hillary Clinton’s coronation may be mildly disrupted by the unexpected discovery that Hillary Clinton plays just as fair as the doped up Russian Olympic team.

We’re aware that everyone with a pulse knew the Democratic Party was going to pull out all the stops to get Hillary elected (like the 450 superdelegates wasn’t a big enough hint?). But we had no idea that those unemployable “Feel The Bern” commie dipshits would figure it out too! Who can blame us? Who could possibly have imagined that Hillary Clinton would be associated with unpleasant leaked emails? I mean the first 30,000 e-mail leak was merely clear evidence of felonious mishandling of classified material. All we had to do was twist the FBI into a pretzel to get out of that. Now there’s another 13,000 e-mails from a different scandal? No rest for the wicked eh? We had no idea that people other than Hillary could get hacked. We use Apple products so we thought we were immune! Besides nobody in our industry studied science so we think computers run on magic.

Also, we’re surprised to find out that hippies and Commies can read. Who knew? We haven’t found a way to blame this on Trump or his hair but were pretty sure that we can blame it on the NRA or guns. So it’s all cool.

Incidentally hippie socialists who really like to protest stuff, when gathered in a place and informed en masse that they’ve been fucked, have a tendency to protest. What’s up with that?”

What a difference a week has made. I’m starting to enjoy the decline.

Also if I’m locked in my truck forced to listen to America’s Pravda at least it’s on the one day they ‘re hoisted upon their very own petard.


I just heard the newest idea they floated and it’s epic. The new theory is that these emails were leaked by Russia because Vladimir Putin is somehow enthralled with Trump’s hair. That’s pretty classic. I’m not saying that Russia didn’t do the leak but what I am saying is that if they’re worried about this level of Russian “blackmail” they ‘aint seen nothin’ yet. Hillary can’t make a week without committing malfeasance and if she gets elected it’s going to be 24/7 scandal until the wikileaks server melts.

There’s a solution to public revelations like this. Don’t lie, cheat, and steal. Then you don’t have new scandals every few weeks. I’m pretty sure I figured that out when I was six.

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The Joys Of Homeownership: Part 2

OK so here’s what happened in the last few days; Turkey had a coup attempt and my plumbing mutinied. Shockingly, only one of those events made the news. Details will follow about the more important of those two events when I get my feet back under me.

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The Joys Of Homeownership

Today was a special day. It was the kind of holiday homeowners truly appreciate. It was the day that I got a handyman to come to my house! This is better than Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny at the same time.

I had selected a couple very simple projects, things that could get done and show obvious improvement in my losing war against entropy. Low hanging fruit. Nothing big like remodeling a kitchen! I’m not ready for that war yet. It was just a simple little electrical project.

The guy was perfectly happy just assuming I would kill the power. I operate under the assumption that I might be a dumbass and I don’t want anybody dead on my watch. So I carefully led him down to the electrical panel so that he could switch the circuits himself and know for sure. That’s how I think; so I assume that’s how anyone else would think.

It went like this:

“Okay the main panel box is down here. All you have to do is…… AAAUUUGGGHHHHHH There’s half a foot of water down here! And I can hear water spraying out of somewhere! Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit!”

That’s how fate can turn your world around on a dime. I reached over the water and killed the main circuit panel before he stepped into the water and got fried. Then I splashed around until I found the leaking pipe and… No good! When I moved into this house there were no off valves anywhere. I installed several valves and every one has been worth its weight in gold. But I never put a valve between the wellhead and the pressure tank. The wellhead had built up pretty decent pressure and, even though I had killed the pump’s power, there was nothing I could do but watch more water spray until the pressure receded. Not that it mattered, once the place is several inches deep a few more gallons is irrelevant.

Of course my rubber boots leaked. I should’ve taken better care of them. Plus it was raining cats and dogs outside while I got tools from the garage.

What a fun afternoon: waving around a flashlight in a gloomy basement, water still spewing all over the place, barefoot and ankle deep in cold water, shit floating past your feet, is that a dead mouse, will the 50# bag of rock salt turn into a giant crystal, why don’t I live in a condo…

In for a dime, in for a dollar. Go big or go home. Tomorrow I bring out the jackhammer.

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Suburban Versus Rural

Living in the middle of nowhere is a pain in the ass. My driveway cycles between muddy, rutted, and snowbound. My lawn goes feral every spring. Pipes freeze, trees fall, skunks must be chased away (or killed), I spent a fortune on a septic tank, my mailbox rarely evades the snowplow, etc…

Then I remember life in the suburbs. Living in the middle of nowhere, even if I freeze to death in a blizzard, is better than the constrained and emasculating hell of the suburbs. Nobody else says such things so I figure I’m just Curmudgeonly.

But here’s a post that comports with my experiences; Rural – Where Less Can Be More. It includes this: “At the farm, I can see the Milky Way rise and set in all its glory every night that is clear. I can see stars that do not exist in the city.” That sums it up nicely. My homestead is a mess but I’ve got stars. Just about every night I spend a few minutes “checking out” the sky, ostensibly to look for northern lights but mostly because it’s beautiful. (Same article linked at Suburb vs Rural: Let’s Compare and Contrast and hat tip to Maggies Farm.)

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Henri Le Chat Noir

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Good Book: Hallow Mass

I recently read Hallow Mass. It was fabulous.

Imagine if a bunch of egghead social justice warriors bumped into the Cthtulhu cult and (as is their won’t) embraced diversity all the way until the end. Plenty of humor and lots of SJW blood. It’s not Shakespeare but it’s perfect summer reading.

Hat tip to Liberty’s Torch for pointing me in the right direction.

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Hillary Is Evil / Who Gives A Shit

Update: Add Marine Reserves Major Jason Brezler to my list of people who don’t get the special “Hillary Exemption to all laws”. Unlike Hillary, Brezler had entirely honorable intentions, reported his actions, and the data he had was not compromised. Read about it here and here. You can also read about Lt. Gen. Richard Mills who put serious effort into nailing Brezler. Hat tip to Maggie’s Farm.

Update: Bryan Nishimura is another person who didn’t get the “Hillary Exemption to all laws”. He had classified information on private devices. He didn’t distribute them or get hacked but he also wasn’t Hillary. Hat tip to The Gormogons.

David Patraeus blabbed classified information to his girlfriend. He copped a plea and got probation and $100,000 fine. Wimp!

Scooter Libby (Updated: Libby got buried in a coverup. Richard Armitage spilled the beans about CIA operative Valerie Plame to Robert Novak. Novak publicly outed her. Libby was convicted of lying to investigators during the ensuing circular firing squad. Libby was sentenced to 30 months in federal prison, a fine of $250,000, and two years of supervised release, including 400 hours of community service. George Bush commuted his sentence. Which makes me wonder what kind of salary can cover a quarter million dollar fine?) Loser! (Update: Libby was also disbarred.  If you’re keeping score, Bill Clinton is also disbarred but Hillary’s law license is merely suspended. The suspended thing is definitely not as bad as disbarred.)

Laws are for the little people. Hillary Clinton knows this and has the huge brass balls to act like the untouchable “made” woman she is.

Hillary routed 30,000 + e-mails that belonged on secure State Department servers. She stuffed them on a private server for the purpose of subverting FOIA and deleted them when they became evidence in a trial. Of course the Russians have a full set of everything.

That’s pretty bad. Mere mortals go to jail for half that. Not Hillary. Laws don’t apply to her. The FBI looked into the abyss, the abyss looked back and said “bring it bitches”, and the FBI pussied out.

And that’s how Hillary skated.

Oh, by the way, Hillary sent an innocent man to jail. Did I mention that? His name is Nakoula Basseley Nakoula. Hillary bravely blamed him for her decisions (taking responsibility for your actions is for the little people… aren’t you paying attention?). America’s Secretary of State nailed an internet video nerd. I mean how great can the power differential get? What’s next, punching a kitten?

Of course the “internet made me do it” thing was bullshit. Everyone (including Hillary) knew it. We have proof in black and white: “on the night of the deadly assault on the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi, then-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton informed her daughter by email that the attack had been staged by an “Al Qaeda-like group”“. Note; her daugher’s alias on the unsanctioned e-mail system is Diane Reynolds. An alias on an unsanctioned e-mail system? That’s Jason Bourne shit right there.

Unfortunately Hillary fucking up is not all fun and games. There’s outed intelligence operatives world wide. There’s the deaths of J. Christopher Stevens, Sean Smith, Tyrone S. Woods, and Glen Doherty. But you know what? They were doing dangerous shit in a dangerous place and my heart really goes out to a innocent stooge. Hillary really succeeded at sending an innocent man to jail and that’s more like bad fiction than real life. Hillary’s lies led to that poor bastard sitting in the tank for a year; September 27, 2012 through . Yep. Jail.

Repeat it slowly. Think about the words. Say it aloud if you must. Hillary sent a man to actual non theoretical jail. She did it on purpose. She did it because it was politically useful to ruin someone else’s life. That’s straight up evil. If there’s a hell, that’s why it was created.

But you know what? This is all old news. Giving a shit is for the little people. Here’s an article full of classified info, because who even gives a shit anymore? Read it. It’ll take the sting away. It’ll soothe the cognitive dissonance of people calling the hairball a terrible candidate and then comparing him to a straight up evil, unindicted co-conspirator* who sticks random dupes in the clink. As far as I know Trump never got an innocent man jailed. (Also how low can we as Americans set the bar? “Never did something as morally reprehensible as framing a loser”? Is that the hurdle one must clear? Good grief! I never fire-bombed an orphanage. Do I get a medal?)

Here’s a sample:

Bush did 9/11. And your mom.

If you think we’re going to spill the Colonel’s secret blend of herbs and spices, you’re out of your god damned mind.

The stingray that killed Steve Irwin was a CIA assassin.

If we couldn’t laugh we’d cry. So laugh dammit!


P.S. When I use words like evil and unindicted co-conspirator people laugh (perhaps looking nervously over their shoulder in case the NSA is listening) but they’re the best words I can find. Look it up: “…a person or entity that is alleged in an indictment to have engaged in conspiracy, but who is not charged”. Technically Hillary was investigated and not indited and the FBI chose to stop investigating because they couldn’t or wouldn’t establish intent. What else do you call that? “Unindicted co-conspirator” is the closest phrase I can find. If you’ve got something more precise submit it in the comments. (Incidentally unindicted co-conspirator was used for Richard Nixon, who was investigated, impeached, indicted, and never convicted. Nixon also ate shit over 18 minutes of missing audio tape which seems small potatoes compared to fomenting a breach of 30,000+ potentially classified documents. On the “evil” front, Tricky Dick’s actions did not land some random flunky in jail as part of the cover up.) As for “evil”in general, what other word should I use? Morals are a tricky thing but it’s generally accepted that lying a sin. Even agnostics and atheists don’t seem to think lying is a good idea. Nor am I just politically biased. There’s ample supporting evidence that Hillary really did (and still does) the things I bitch about. (If I made it up it would be unbelievable anyway.) If I tried to dance around words like “evil” and “conspirator” what would the right words be?

Update: A fine quote that sums it all up: “it looks very like we are going to hand the keys to the oval office to someone who would have had the book thrown at her if she’d been a GS-11.” Read it here.

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