Bread Race Finish Line

I tallied up the points as follows:

Points for mix based, non-mechanically produced:

  • Fewer ingredients.
  • So simple a monkey could do it while stoned.
  • Kneading pushes my heathen soul closer to enlightenment.
  • Another point because enlightenment is a big ticket item.
  • Another point because stoned monkeys is setting the bar really low.
  • A shape that doesn’t remind me of a tragic heartless Owrellian future.
  • Crowd pleasing texture.
  • Extra sweet taste.

Eight points.  Not bad.

Points for dump it and forget it, non mix, as prepared by a robot:

  • No kneading.
  • Superior and exacting instructions.  (The mix instructions don’t mention kneading and bad instructions make me want to punch a kitten.)
  • I’m pissed off about the national debt and irrationally blame a can of bread mix.
  • You don’t need a “warm place” to let the bread rise.
  • Less messing around frees more time to drink.
  • Less dishes to wash is the American dream.
  • No need to clean, use, find, or own an oven.
  • The timer knows when the bread is done so I don’t have to give a shit.
  • Another point for less dishes to wash because that’s one of my main goals in life.

Nine points.

And the victor is… a machine.

Sure there are less subjective test but the only subject that matters on my blog is me.  Get your own blog.


Happy with my tally of the results I hit “save” and wandered over to the liquor cabinet for more…   coffee.  I passed by the bread machine and made a shocking discovery.

It wasn’t working!  The heater was heating and the timer was timing but the paddles weren’t paddling.  I had thought it was fine but apparently the brick had killed the drive mechanism.

I took off my hat and paused.  It was a moment of silence for my bread machine.  “You die too soon, oh trustworthy bread machine.  Victim of my tinkering with mixes, I salute you.”

Mrs. Curmudgeon popped her head in to see me, drunk, holding a mini wake over a kitchen appliance.

“What’s up”, she probably knew whatever I said would be inane.

“The bread machine.  It has fallen.”  I intoned.

“No biggie.  Isn’t that the machine you got used.  Didn’t you trade eggs for it?”  She never liked my machine(s). (I’ve had several.)

“It died well.  In service.  It’s in a better place now.”

“Appliance heaven?”

“Yes, appliance heaven.”  I muttered.

She paused at this.

“So who won the ‘bread race’?”  It was a good gambit.  It was her attempt to come up with something to say to a drunk who was swaying around the kitchen orating about the life and times of an old, cheap, junky, appliance.  You should have heard me whine when the coffee grinder had to be replaced.

“I have to revise the points.”

Wisely, she ducked out.


Now, I present to you the new point tally.  The mix officially wins with a tally of 208 to 59 points.  I count them as follows.

Fifty-nine points for dump it and forget it, non mix, as prepared by a robot:

  • Nine points based on the race.
  • Fifty points because it died in battle!

Points for mix based, non mechanically produced:

  • Eight points based on the race.
  • One hundred points for successfully identifying and engaging the enemy.
  • One hundred points because bread mix “drove its enemies before it”.

So there you have it.  Providence Pantry Bread Mix is not only tasty and so easy a stoned monkey can make it but it also can seek and destroy those who oppose it.  I therefore heartily endorse Providence Pantry Bread Mix.

About Adaptive Curmudgeon

I will neither confirm nor deny that I actually exist.
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12 Responses to Bread Race Finish Line

  1. Highly subjective, yet also highly informative (and highly entertaining). A job well done on all counts.

  2. Judy says:

    I protest the results. The bread machine was wounded going in.

  3. Eowyn says:

    That … was masterful.

    I am now picturing the bread mix, bandanna wrapped around it’s head, speaking in an Austrian accent about what life is about …

  4. MSgt B says:

    I’m sold.

    I’ll go buy some right now.

    Can you put beer in it?

    • Hmmm… Beer goes well in many bread recipes. On the other hand, the mix is (probably) of Mormon origin and has already shown it’s mettle in destroying its mechanical nemesis and trying to save m heathen soul. Adding beer to the mix is definitely tinkering with the elemental powers. Anything could happen.

      I’ll try it soon!

    • Steve says:

      Yes, you can use beer instead of water in your recipe. And of course, whatever is left. . . what am I saying? You know the drill. Beer, by the way, is liquid bread, and bread is solid beer. The difference is that the alcohol is cooked out of bread. A pity, that. I make both.

      • fjgumby says:

        You expect the alcohol to be cooked out of bread… but on a couple of occasions, I’ve inadvertently produced bread that truly was solid beer, with intoxicating properties.
        I’m pretty sure this possibility was mentioned in a variant verse of “Rum, by Gum!”

  5. PJ says:

    I loved my bread machine. It meant I could actually produce something from the kitchen. But then, although it appeared to keep working, it started producing crappy bread. My bread making days were over, and I was again banished from the kitchen.

  6. rapnzl rn says:

    Ahhh. Lulled into (what some may consider) a (false) sense of curmudgeonly adaptation by the practice of kneading. Ya had to know that the machines always lose in the end….

  7. Pingback: My Bread Machine Is Dead, Long Live My Bread Machine | The Adaptive Curmudgeon's Blog

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