By now I’ve said just about everything I know about those noble pillars of society that I call COGs. I wish there were more COGs in America. They do too.
Here are the last few bits of COG wisdom before I go back to bitching about politicians arranging deck chairs on the Titanic and musing about the wonders of wood heat:
- COGs are the paragon of common sense. They won’t explain this to you. If you can’t inherently understand common sense they’ll politely change the subject to lawnmowers (while mentally assigning you membership in the “useless” category of the population).
- COGs don’t break laws. It’s not in their nature. COGs have never been in jail. Ever.
- In keeping with #2, COGs pay their taxes. They do this even though they’re certain their hard earned money will be crapped down a rathole by whomever gets it.
- COGs don’t fuckin’ swear. Exceptions are driving and watching football. (I do swear…tough shit.)
- A COG takes a shower every day. You should too.
- COGs are not convinced we should be just like Europe. One reason among many is that Europeans don’t take a shower every day.
- A COG’s lawn is always mowed. When it snows their sidewalk is well shoveled. This is how COGs mark their territory, by improving it.
- I’ve already touched on the mysteries of Reader’s Digest, but I should also note COGs all have good TVs and extended cable. I find it mysterious that TV doesn’t turn them into lazy drooling idiots. Apparently they’re capable of limiting their viewing to the Food Network and Football…unlike the rest of America which is constantly tuned into “Ow My Balls“.
So there you have it. Eight posts about the pillars of society that keep the lights on while their habitat is being overrun but folks who are raising awareness, fostering self-esteem, building consensus, fighting for the working man, spreading the wealth, or doing any of the other things that are code words for “accomplishing nothing at all”.
We need you COGs! Don’t give up on us. (Well I’ll admit that they can give up on Detroit and much of California…they’re not miracle workers. Saving Detroit would be like saving Somalia. And San Francisco hasn’t been part of reality for decades. But the rest of America isn’t fully useless yet.) Keep the home fires burning and hope that we can come back to the fold.