Part VIII: COG Personality Traits

By now I’ve said just about everything I know about those noble pillars of society that I call COGs.  I wish there were more COGs in America.  They do too.

COGs! Don't give up on America. It needs you!

Here are the last few bits of COG wisdom before I go back to bitching about politicians arranging deck chairs on the Titanic and musing about the wonders of wood heat:

  1. COGs are the paragon of common sense.  They won’t explain this to you.  If you can’t inherently understand common sense they’ll politely change the subject to lawnmowers (while mentally assigning you membership in the “useless” category of the population).
  2. COGs don’t break laws.  It’s not in their nature. COGs have never been in jail. Ever.
  3. In keeping with #2, COGs pay their taxes.  They do this even though they’re certain their hard earned money will be crapped down a rathole by whomever gets it.
  4. COGs don’t fuckin’ swear. Exceptions are driving and watching football.  (I do swear…tough shit.)
  5. A COG takes a shower every day. You should too.
  6. COGs are not convinced we should be just like Europe.  One reason among many is that Europeans don’t take a shower every day.
  7. A COG’s lawn is always mowed.  When it snows their sidewalk is well shoveled.  This is how COGs mark their territory, by improving it.
  8. I’ve already touched on the mysteries of Reader’s Digest, but I should also note COGs all have good TVs and extended cable.  I find it mysterious that TV doesn’t turn them into lazy drooling idiots.  Apparently they’re capable of limiting their viewing to the Food Network and Football…unlike the rest of America which is constantly tuned into “Ow My Balls“.

So there you have it.  Eight posts about the pillars of society that keep the lights on while their habitat is being overrun but folks who are raising awareness, fostering self-esteem, building consensus, fighting for the working man, spreading the wealth, or doing any of the other things that are code words for “accomplishing nothing at all”.

We need you COGs!  Don’t give up on us.  (Well I’ll admit that they can give up on Detroit and much of California…they’re not miracle workers.  Saving Detroit would be like saving Somalia.  And San Francisco hasn’t been part of reality for decades.  But the rest of America isn’t fully useless yet.)  Keep the home fires burning and hope that we can come back to the fold.

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About Adaptive Curmudgeon

I will neither confirm nor deny that I actually exist.
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5 Responses to Part VIII: COG Personality Traits

  1. C. S. P. Schofield says:

    Saving Detroit WOULD be like saving Somalia; bulldoze the entire place, including any remaining residents too stupid to get out of the way, and start again from scratch. COGs could do everything involved except the necessary shooting of all elected officials.

    And SanFran was NEVER part of the real world. Ever. Don’t believe me? Look up Joshua Abraham Norton. I’m not even all that worked up about SanFran. There are times when I think every major country should have a city that is certifiably bugf*ck nuts. We just don’t need two.

  2. jefferson101 says:

    Pillars of Society my big hairy butt! If you were to tell a real COG that he’s a “Pillar of Society”, he may well curse at you. (Even those who don’t. You are taking your life in your hands with that one!)

    Those of us who are comfortable with what we are consider ourselves to be the Foundations of Society, but we have no notable interest in being a “pillar” of anything. We prefer to do our own thing to being some kind of notable something. We’re down in the concrete and rebar.

    Not that I’m overwhelmingly disagreeing with you, but keep in mind that we’re also a fairly independent lot, and will not be stereotyped. The fold can come back to us, and those among the fold who are our offspring usually do, now and then, but we’re not about to try to go out and save the world. It’s their handbasket, and they can go wherever they want to go in it.

    We’ll just worry about us. I’ve not lost anything in either Detroit or California that I’m going back there for. They just need to sort their own act out.

    Yeah. That’s the ticket!

  3. C. S. P. Schofield says:

    Because of the cancerous growth of the Government and the Laws it generates (as a horse generates dung) COGs do, in fact, break laws. This is almost entirely by accident, or because the law in question is not generally known, or because the law simply makes no goddamned sense. But they try hard not to, and feel vaguely guilty if they find out they have broken a law, even if no two government functionaries can agree on what the law means.

  4. kx59 says:

    Great series TAC. I enjoyed every line. I am COG.

  5. MaxDamage says:

    Silly Curmudgeon, the Readers Digest trait is easily understood once one ponders the lifestyle of the COG as you’ve already mentioned.

    COGs don’t read novels end-to-end just to say they’ve done so. COGs read books when they’ve a need for applied knowledge or have a few minutes between supper-time and bed-time. The Readers Digest offers a month-long opportunity of five-minute bits of education. The Catcher in the Rye does not. Auto repair manuals, physics tutorials, and seed catalogs are applied knowledge. The latest Oprah book club offering is a waste of those few free moments between productive tasks.

    COGs who watch television watch the evening News long enough to get the weather forecast, then turn in for the night. COGs gave up on television for entertainment when Johnny Carson retired.

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