My Safe Went Skynet

Long ago I bought a cheap pistol safe. I used it to store my cheap pistol.

It was a handy little safe; pleasing black metallic finish, foam coated interior. I “multitasked” with it. My computer monitor was too low. What better use for a pistol safe than a monitor stand? I was surfing the net while armed.

I used the safe to store a stapler and a gun.

Keeping your office supplies in a locked safe makes perfect sense.

Since I didn’t live in Mogadishu or Detroit I mostly used the stapler. Every time I needed to staple something I was reminded of the combination. Despite what safety Nazis tell you, I never accidentally shot the computer. Nor did I inadvertently staple any home invading criminals.

But there was one time when the computer had it coming.

When I moved to a new house the empty pistol safe was misplaced. Years later I discovered it. Still locked. Over time I’d forgotten the combination!

It had a “feature” that you could open it with a default code and a 9 volt battery but only after the internal batteries were dead. I decided to wait them out. Then I discovered another feature; when the batteries got weak it chirped intermittently to prompt the owner to “replace the batteries dummy”. It was annoying but I’m a patient man. I put it on the porch and let it chirp. It chirped for ten months. During the long time I call “the dying of the batteries” it annoyed a few guests and drove a house sitter bonkers. Strangers viewed the unidentified malicious chirping black steel box on the porch with suspicion. Was it junk? Was it a claymore mine? I’m proud to say that visitors were never sure.

Finally it was dead. I used a 9 volt battery and the default code to open it. (Despite forgetting the combination I’d saved the instructions for a decade…what’s up with that?) The safe was in fine shape; and empty. (What were you expecting; Jimmy Hoffa and a pile of Kruggerands?)

Carefully following the instructions I popped in eight new batteries and set a new code. Yes, I wrote it down! I tested the code according to the instructions. Everything checked out so (as instructed) I locked it. Inexplicably the new code didn’t work. I tried several times to open it…no go. The safe had gone feral.

That’s when I discovered another feature. If you try to open the safe with a bad code too many times it sets off a different (louder and more obnoxious) alarm. How do you deactivate the “someone tried to break in” alarm when you can’t open the safe? You can’t!

In a fit of frustration I stuffed the stupid safe in the freezer. Maybe the cold would kill the batteries again? No luck so far. It’s been a week. Muffled beeps emanate from my freezer every twenty minutes. It’s like I’ve hidden criminal evidence amid the frozen peas and my conscious is torturing me. I’m haunted by my own damn safe! It’s maddening. The freezer now pisses me off! The room where the freezer resides pisses me off! Ralph Nader pisses me off! (O.k. that last one isn’t the safe’s fault.)

I'm not the first poor fool to have trouble stored in my freezer.

The safe must go! Tomorrow I’m hauling the damn thing to the dump. It’ll keep beeping another year or two and I can’t take it. It’ll probably give the guys at the dump nightmares.

Moral of the story? Either use your pistol safe to hold a stapler or shoot zombies daily because once you’ve forgotten the combination you’re doomed.

Trust me on this: No man can win a battle of attrition against eight AA cells.

About Adaptive Curmudgeon

I will neither confirm nor deny that I actually exist.
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8 Responses to My Safe Went Skynet

  1. You sounded a bit like the “Tell-tale Heart” for a minute there…

  2. Nah, the guy I buried under the floorboards hasn’t made a peep. It’s the electronics with all their beeping and flashing and flashing and beeping…it’s enough to drive you nuts.

  3. Doctor Mingo says:

    Since the safe is empty, you could try using a master key (some people call it a 12 gauge with slugs). But I can’t guarantee that it will be operational after opening.

  4. Old NFO says:

    LOL- THAT Is why I refuse to have a safe with an electronic combo… plain ol’ manual operation works for me 🙂 Great story though!

    • Agreed. All things that beep annoyingly (especially the many Ralph Nader alarms in a modern car) should be avoided.

      Of course, you can still forget a manual combination. Nothing can out engineer stupidity.

  5. Wandered over here from Bayou Renaissance Man, as this was post was recommended.
    Ten months to die – AFTER the chirping starts? LMAO!

  6. KA9VSZ says:

    I’ve been thinking of buying a fancy electronically operated gun safe. Or maybe not… Funny story.

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