I’m Back / The Duck Is Back

I just returned from an “off grid” break. Didja’ miss me?

It was wonderful. I spent time with a respected elder (hopefully I picked up some wisdom through osmosis). I drank bourbon, sat by campfires, played with a bandsaw, ignored politics, etc… I deliberately did stuff that was enjoyable and good for me while ignoring the noisy and persistent outside world. Time well spent!

I’ve said it before and it bears repeating; a thinking person is well served to periodically go “off grid” lest they start taking bullshit seriously. I’ve gone through several definitions ranging from “self imposed media blackout” to “off grid” to “Dave’s not here“. Captain Capitalism called it “controlling your microenvironment” (click here). Frankly, this is a good time for it. The pre-election heavy petting will invariably lead to the primary season of crushed dreams and that’ll drop a steaming heap of post election regrets in our laps. Take care lest you let that shit into your heart. Remember, if you shape oak with a bandsaw you’ve built something but if you fret about Trump’s hair and Hillary’s server all you’ve done is kill brain cells.

So… after a couple weeks of reflection have I come up with any great cosmic truths? Yep! But I’m not gonna’ share them right now. Something momentous just happened and I need to report it right away!

Our stupid, idiotic, moron of a duck has miraculously returned from… somewhere. Quelle surprise!

I was walking, coffee in hand, toward today’s tasks when he waddled up, blocked my path, and quacked at me as if he had something to say. I was shocked. It was like meeting a loud, cheerful, and very stupid little ghost.

“Where the hell have you been?”


So there you have it. The little idiot vanished, then reappeared, and you know as much of it as I do. I was sure he was dead! (I assumed the pigs ate him. The pigs still aren’t talking.)

I dumped extra cat food thinking the little fool would be hungry. He ignored it, quacked angrily at the truck a few minutes, and then he seemed satisfied with life in general. He  hopped the fence to hang out with his pals the pigs and it’s like he never disappeared.

I’d give good money to know what the hell he was doing all this time.

About Adaptive Curmudgeon

I will neither confirm nor deny that I actually exist.
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23 Responses to I’m Back / The Duck Is Back

  1. davefreer says:

    I had missed you. So had the duck.

  2. skidmark says:

    Have you noticed the odd casino chip, or a strangely solo shirt stud? Perhaps a bus transfer from some small European village? (We’re pretty sure he wasn’t in China because his skin was not all brown and crispy.)

    stay safe.

  3. abnormalist says:

    Was he gone the full 2+ weeks? That’s impressive. Maybe hes slightly less stupid than you’ve thought, perhaps hes just playing dumb to continue the food, lodging and protection until he can take over.

    Watch that duck….

  4. Ray says:

    Yup, we missed you. Now get back to work. Winter is coming!
    As for the duck, don’t ask, don’t tell. Ducks have long been known to be government agents and saboteurs.


  5. Mark Matis says:

    Think “Call of the Wild“. Don’t be surprised to see a gaggle of stupid ducklets waddling around following a Momma duck next spring…

    By the way, one of the main reasons he likes the pig sty is because of the mud therein. Have you set up a wading pool for him anywhere? If you put it OUTSIDE the pen, I think you’ll find he comes out into the real world more often. Of course, inside the pen is not that bad a place for him. He can defend himself against the pigs if he needs to. I’ve seen a duck attack a 70 pound Zimbabwean Ridgeback successfully, and pigs’ ears are a ready target for an angry duck. Unlike the raccoons and the rest of the local fauna, your pigs are not likely to consider him a food source and will just ignore him. And if one of them bumps him too hard, he can get their attention in return.

    • It could be that he likes the mud pits. Then again he lived under a Dodge for a month and doesn’t seem interested in mud puddles. I think he likes either the pig food or the protection from predators… or maybe they’re drinking buddies.

  6. Maybe you could channel the duck and come up with an awesome story.Or have roast duck or something. I got nothing.

  7. Joel says:

    I’ll be damned. Is it wrong that I’m actually happy to hear about the duck?

    Oh, and you. You’re welcome back too, of course.

  8. Robert says:

    Yes, we missed you. (I will let you disambiguate whether I’m referring to AC or the duck). I find it interesting that this duck post got a bunch more comments than some political rants.

  9. Phil B says:

    I’m not convinced that it wasn’t kidnapped by a Government agency and turned into robotised killer and spy duck-bot* to observe all your doings and snaffle secret stashes of firewood. It refused food? Proof positive in my opinion that it isn’t a real duck. It’s a were-duck** at the very least and needs to be dealt with accordingly and severely. Don’t risk allowing it to exist. You know it makes sense.
    Test the duck with a magnet*** and/or a dog. I’m thinking about how the humans in the Terminator movies detected the Terminators. If you find that it isn’t NORMAL in any way, then start wearing a tin foil hat and go armed everywhere.

    * Check it carefully for a RS232 port or a USB connector under its feathers. If you find it, format it and load Linux to screw with them. Or if you want to REALLY screw with them, Windoze 10.
    ** Sort of like a zombie duck but less intelligent (if that’s possible) and more vicious when the moon is full.
    ***The magnet won’t work if it has a titanium endoskeleton. Trust the dog instead.

    • Papa Pig says:

      Windoze 10 won’t do any harm. The FedPigs have backdoors into it anyway, and can do whatever they want through them. But you are probably right about it being a victim of a Government agency. They most likely read his posts about the garage, and realized it was HE who had Spike trained to “attack the scent of failure”. And once Spike went after Jimmeh and cost a half-dozen SS Agents their lives, well, they had to find out who was responsible. Half the agency’s budget was going to that quest right up until the other week when he posted that story. Once they found out, they had to clear their plan with their leadership. Now that he’s back, they undoubtedly have some scheme to terminate AC and make it look like the duck’s fault. However, since he’s back in with the pigs, they think he got confused and fell in with some local Brothers in Blue. As a result, they are furiously searching every donut shop within 50 miles of where they released him. If AC is smart enough to delete this blog post and the associated comments, they will be busy for ANOTHER thirty-eight years trying to find that friggin’ duck!

    • I am not plugging any cables into any livestock. A man’s gotta’ draw the line somewhere. I’m the guy who built a Faraday cage for my cell phone remember?

      My chickens, pigs, dog, cats, and duck all get better privacy than the average American. I’m proud of that.

  10. Alien says:

    Every time someone says they missed me I worrry their aim will improve with practice.

    Welcome back.

  11. fynbospress says:

    Sounds like you had a great time. Here’s hoping the duck didn’t, and therefore will stay put.

  12. Pingback: Bowling Pin Chicken Just Doesn’t Care What I Think | Adaptive Curmudgeon

  13. Pingback: The Saga Of Bowling Pin Chicken | Adaptive Curmudgeon

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