This post is about civilization, shit, and freedom. Things that make life worth living.
In 800 BC the Holy Roman Empire had indoor plumbing. This was the greatest discovery of all time. Civilization is when you can take a crap indoors. Without that we’re just animals with iPods.
Tragically, Roman society became weak, rotten, and hollow. It collapsed like a Congressman’s spine (and for the same reasons). Rome burned and Europe suffered centuries of war, famine, and pestilence. Peasants reverted to buckets.
Fast forward to my homestead. The decrepit septic system was built by farmers that didn’t own a level, misunderstood fluid dynamics, and thought duct tape could fix everything. Frequently I was forced to employ a plunger. Or as I like to call it; “Satan’s reamer”.
This would not do! Civilization would not collapse on my watch! I overcame my cheapskate ways and installed a new septic system. The financial bloodletting was brutal. Like financing a decent used car and then hiring machinery to bury it.
I decided to go big! They said “this septic design is adequate.” I said “Make it bigger; I want it to be capable of processing a flushed walrus.” They said “you’re nuts and what’s this about a walrus?” I said “I’m paying so I’m the boss and if I want a system the size of Albuquerque it’s my business.” They said “Yes sir!”
The new system went live last year on Fourth of July weekend. God bless America!
Everything worked. Civilization was saved.
Alas, septic can’t go out if water doesn’t go in. A midwinter freeze demonstrated that ice has more volume than water. Global warming alarmist would gain a sense of scale and humility if they had to thaw pipes with a blow torch at 2:00 am. I tried to thaw the pipes in time. I failed. This is why God invented beer.
When life hands you lemons, get out the wrecking bar!
I’d been meaning to renovate anyway. I hemorrhaged more money and worked nights and weekends for months. Eventually we had a gleaming new bathroom.
The original plan was to retain the existing 5 gallon toilet. I changed my mind. Our gleaming new lavatory merited a new throne. The old toilet, which had served for decades, was thrown under the bus and mission creep ruled the day.
Enter the ass clowns bureaucrats. I leave folks alone but hordes of self-righteous wankers don’t extend me the same courtesy. In particular, “environmentalist” political bullies turn me off. I want nothing to do with controlling anybody and I wouldn’t use the transparent fig leaf of “saving Gaia” to cover my inner emptiness. I do not lightly bear the yoke of regulation and fictional justification by eco-handwringers burns to the core. Authoritarians are no friend to the environment and they are no friends to me.
The mandatory low flow toilet is a tragic fact! Folks, there’s nothing more sacred than a man’s morning dump! Intruding on my morning constitutional is regulatory overreach gone nuclear! I don’t care if you’re a certified genius, militarily backed by the Marines, and a spiritual advisor to the Pope; when you determine how much water my shit requires from D.C. you’ve gone too far!
The arrogant putrid worms that mandated water conservation toilets weren’t thinking of the waterlogged uninhabited tundra where I live. Phoenix, which inexplicably chose to build itself where there’s scarcely enough water to keep a dog hydrated, has to conserve water. I don’t. My well…my personal well…the independent and privately financed water supply that is mine and mine alone has no lack of water. Nor does my expansive redneck homestead lack leach field space. Limits make sense in desert cities but the leash goes on us all. Welcome to the future eco-topia where political ass sniffers will force the rest of us to ride bicycles while they fly to Paris to negotiate carbon treaties. A pox on the lot of ‘em!
Low flow toilets usually suck donkey balls but they’re ok under ideal circumstances. I decided to go “all in” to tune the entire house’s plumbing so low flow would do the trick. I consulted several plumbers and explained that that my sole joy in life was an unclogged toilet. I wanted a toilet that could flush an Ewok. I wanted the throne to remain unclogged even if civilization collapsed, the power went out, and Mad Max warfare consumed the streets. It’s important to have well defined goals in life.
I picked the biggest baddest toilet money could buy. Then I turned the infrastructure dial to eleven. I wanted this device to flush anything in sight including small children and pets. A stopped toilet is God’s way of saying he hates you and wants you to burn in hell. My plumber was both skilled and terrified of me (I get that a lot). He tweaked the flow and vent system as if threatened by a madman.
I was concerned. If I needed a plunger the terrorists had won.
Success! It works very well. Properly focused and expertly rigged, a 1.6 gallon flush will blast last night’s tamale into oblivion. Between the septic rebuild and the new bathroom I’ve spent the price of a fair used Subaru on…shit. Was it worth it? Yes!
Take heart freedom lovers (and shitters) everywhere. The moral hazard and affront to human dignity of mandatory low flow toilets can be overcome…provided you design everything flawlessly. Whew! Perhaps the depressing inadequacies of compact fluorescent lighting (another crotch grab by Gaia worshippers) had biased me?
Americans deserve toilets that’ll suck the cat down if it gets too close. I have proven it’s possible even amid our Kafkaesque regulatory maze. Huzzah!
Sooo… it’s an iPoo’d toilet system?
The entire post is brilliant and had me smirking throughout, but the last bit “Americans deserve toilets that’ll suck the cat down if it gets too close.” really tickled me. The more I read it, the more I giggle.
“Yeah! What HE said!”
And cripes, it’s all true.
You sure are cranky for a curmudgeon… oh… wait…
Pingback: A Hearty Welcome To The Club | The Adaptive Curmudgeon's Blog
ROFL! thank you for brightening an ugly rainy day.