I’m Back: Part 3: Why I Smoke In Front Of My Cat

After three days of mouselike quivering in the truck cab listening to the Evil and Stupid party jockey into mutually assured destruction I dropped all contact with “news”. I was in constant motion. I hadn’t surfed the net, listened to what the press shovels into our heads as news, or even seen a headline for weeks. I ignored my blog, deferred addressing the looming menace of tax day, and nearly forgot my name.

Just a few hours ago I resurfaced. All I needed to do was make the last leg on a multi day multi mode trip into nowhere and I’d be safe at home. I flipped on the radio. Since I’d missed over a month of electioneering surely something had changed? I wondered what progress had been made.

The Stupid party: “Trump is still doing fairly well and zillions of people like him. As Republicans we will find out why he’s popular and do the exact thing that most pisses off his supporters.”

The Evil party: “Jesus Christ, that dick Sanders totally won’t leave the anointed one (Hillary) alone. And speaking of innocent, it’s no big deal to be under FBI investigation for the eleventh time. I mean who hasn’t been subpoenaed in a bunch of compromising matters? And doesn’t everyone have a bunch of strange sources of income, questionable contacts, and wads of ill gotten gains? And when someone gives you State secrets it’s no big deal… just blab that shit everywhere. Everyone is hereby ordered to chill out and submit to the inevitable. Did we mention the flying monkeys?”

Really? All that time and expensive scheming and backstabbing and lying has done so little! Both parties, in fact the whole of the 2016 election cycle boils down to this:

“The people have spoken and we, their betters, refuse to accept it. We hereby order them to shut the hell up and do as we’ve instructed.”

That’s the “problem” with democracy (or in our case a Republic). People who have free will make decisions. Inherently some of these decisions will differ from the “elite’s” considered and proper opinion that they strenuously insist all people must hold.

I suppose it’s the mark of being elite? One is elite when they know with no reservations or doubt how other people ought to live? It’s impressive really; the complete lack of humility that accompanies their false belief that they know precisely how everyone should live their lives. I consider it a character flaw. They consider it simply the truth.

Now the people are pissed off. (Why now instead of any year in the last several decades is a mystery but it’s definitely palpable in 2016.) Meanwhile both parties have crossed the line of frustration with dipshits in flyover country and have gone all the way to disagreeing with the concept of free will itself. They can’t fuckin’ stand the citizenry. It’s ever more apparent.

How odd that it must come to this. Yet how predictable. An expanding portion of our society is personally invested in the MANAGING of others. You can call them socialists or you can call them micromanagers or you can call them busybodies or you can call them nitwits but it doesn’t have much to do with their politics. It’s all about their self announced Godlike powers. There are people who allocate for themselves the role of decider and the rest of us are presumed to be cattle. They hang out with each other and tell each other how awesome they are. They’re the fish that can’t see water. They’re walking overinflated egos in need of a pin.

And so it goes until it crosses the dumbass event horizon.

Forget about large clusterfucks like the Trumpening or Sanders’ Quixotic socialist challenge to Hillary’s Tower of Sauron. I have a funnier example. Here’s my report on the mundane stupidity that comes from people who smell their own shit and call it roses:

In a hotel room I saw ads about how smoking will kill your pets. This was meant as a self referential “joke” that was “serious”. It was also stupidity so compressed it created its own gravity.

Someone somewhere collected tax dollars. They used to force of government, including men and women with guns and scary dudes with law degrees, to get this money. (Actually they used ill gotten gains from a huge lawsuit.) Then they expended the seized fruits of someone else’s labor on manipulative ads. These ads tell me my cat will die if I light up a Camel. Suppose I want a Camel and personally experiencing lung cancer isn’t sufficient motivation to keep me away? What then? Will they shoot my ass for my own good? Will they shoot my cat?

Quite simply the kind of person that’ll spend seized funds on ads to manipulate someone’s behavior is a person who’s never considered the ethics of manipulating other people. It’s… for want of a better word… evil.

That’s the crux of it. The problem with that person and their cat saving crusade is not that they’re wrong. It’s that they’re at odds with free will.

There’s more. Stay tuned.

A.C.

P.S. I wasn’t hallucinating. I found the link here. The link goes to America’s State Sponsored media, NPR. Unsurprisingly they like the ads. You expected a State Sponsored Media to say “nah, leave the people alone”? NPR knows everything about how you should live and they know it better than you. So just shut up and do as you’re told.

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I’m Back: Part 2: The Fit Hits The Shan

For several weeks I dropped out of all news content. Usually it’s a planned effort to maintain perspective while the press shrieks “Ignore the forest! Stare at all these trees!” This go round it was just the mundane chaos of life. I did the following:

  • Woke up to a flat tire. I manfully jacked up the truck and swapped tires in front of a hotel room in the middle of nowhere. As far as I can tell the entire town drank coffee and watched.
  • Miles later, approaching midnight in a crowded city in a different time zone, I drove over a nail and toasted a different tire. I called it a night and parked at the nearest hotel. Nothing says “fun” like pulling dual wheels in the snow at dawn and that’s precisely what I did.
  • Fortunately the third flat, in a third tire, in a third state… which made me start wondering if I was cursed, was in my driveway. All I had to do was roll around in chickenshit while it rained.
  • Been physically groped by the TSA, psychologically raped by overpriced hotel drinks, shoved like cattle through chutes, and emotionally battered by the psychotic monsters in a Salt Lake City terminal. Those bastards told me they had “craft beer” and then delivered a pint of 3.2 pisswater.
  • Made reservations months early, paid full freight for a flight, checked in two hours early, and still got dumped into “standby” because “fuck the customer” is apparently a valid business model.
  • Stepped on a cactus. I do not blame the cactus.
  • Ate a cactus. (It was a different one.)
  • Slipped on ice and wound up in a ditch.
  • Found a magic flashlight. (More on that later)
  • Went on an adventure. (This was actually pretty cool. Maybe I’ll mention it later. Maybe I won’t.)
  • Went to a rock concert. (This is VERY rare. The last time I saw live music was a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away. Mrs. Curmudgeon got the tickets and talked me into it. She loves me y’all!!!)
  • Worked my ass into the ground.

Stay tuned for sober reflection as I pass from unseemly chaos back into order.

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I’m Back: Part 1: The Peasants Are Revolting

Here’s the beginning of it all several weeks ago I was on the cusp of a scheduling crunch when I experienced an epic, no holds barred, evacuate the body in all directions, illness. No worries. I lived. In fact it was short, probably because an illness that nasty must necessarily be short lest it kill off it’s host instead fulfilling its cosmic duty to optimize misery.

Under such circumstances a sane man will call in sick, crawl into bed, and stay there a week. I didn’t. Literally hours later I verified most of the storm had passed and bravely (or stupidly) climbed into my truck to pursue the almighty dollar. Reflecting on the events leading up to it I figured it was even odds the trip would be a failure and I’d wind up barfing in a gutter somewhere. Of course I’d never let a fear like that stop me from completing a job.

I rolled along in my truck; a hollow shell with the constitution of a tiny little bird. No sudden moves. No scary road food. No nothing… just one man hermetically sealed and perched on eggshells in his roving security blanket; desperately hoping breakfast wouldn’t explode all over the dash. I did this for three days. Three full days of thinking… and listening to the press hyperventilate.

The radio dutifully injected stupid into my cab. America’s Pravda (NPR) took the lead but the gibbering hordes of AM were nipping at its heels. Being as weak as a mouse and driving from nowhere to nowhere I could only listen. I listened as if observing a strange alien culture from a great distance. This helps one grok the inanity of it all.

the peasants are revoltingThink back. Can you remember what was on the mind of the newsies and spinmiesters back then? Rewind a month or more of this fun filled election roller coaster. What was the panic du jour?

“Trump is winning big time and we Republicans need to stop that shit toot sweet. Perhaps we can scheme up a brokered convention whereby we take the likely holder of a plurality and kick him in his big brass balls. We’ll follow that with an ugly screaming shitfest where we draft a milquetoast loser that Hillary will grind to make her bread. We’ll even ignore competitor number two, Cruze. Why? Because we’re a foot that likes shooting itself. Nothing impresses Americans like fucking the first and second place winners in a year long marathon. They simply love it when we excrete a gutless uninspiring apparatchik on America’s plate. We sure love being the Stupid party.”

While the Stupid party was aghast at the horror of a popular candidate who can pack stadiums what was the Evil party thinking?

“Sanders has not gotten the memo that we anointed Hillary years ago. Plus, quite frankly that bitch terrifies us! What’s wrong with that dipshit? Stand up to Hillary and bad things happen. Also Sanders is building tremendous support and as Democrats we need to stop that shit toot sweet. Perhaps we can pretend that Hillary’s secret illegal server is no big deal and line up a herd of purchased superdelegate shitheads that’ll do what our idiot party voters won’t do. Doesn’t everyone realise that she must win or she’ll release the flying monkeys? We sure love being the Evil party.”

That was several weeks ago. Since then I’ve been busy. Stay tuned.

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A Video Explanation

Here’s a video of political insiders discussing the 2016 election cycle.

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I’m Back: Part 0: Life Is A Whirlwind

You know how life settles into a calm and orderly routine? Where things happen in their appointed time and each task, great or small, blends seamlessly into the greater whole? Where each day carries it’s share of peace, contentment, and relaxation?

Well I don’t! Fate has chosen 2016 as great time to send figurative Keystone cops to shove metaphorical grenades down my symbolic undershorts. I’ve been bent, folded, and spindled while events bounce around like tweakers disco dancing at a speedfreak convention during an earthquake. It’s at moments like these that a reasonable man (or yours truly who must suffice) will sit back, drink it all in, and think “what the fuck!?!”.

So… that said, and acknowledging that I’m a blogger who literally hasn’t turned on his personal (as opposed to work) computer in weeks, I recently resurfaced from a tsunami of chaos to reacquaint myself with the circular firing squad that is politics. Here’s what I’ve got to say about both parties as they ooze toward November:

“Suck it up assholes!”

In my next few posts I’ll elaborate on my reasoned thinking. Stay tuned.

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Finally! Proper Unbiased Reporting About The Election

You have to sit through a 30 second commercial but it’s worth it for some quality journalism that sums everything up properly.

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One Last Laugh Before The Trumpening

Today is “Super Tuesday”. The sun may set on a nation where Trump has destroyed all R’s that oppose him. For his next trick he’ll point his laser augmented sword of demagoguery at the party of D and start removing heads. The D’s defender will be the mainstream press (what’s left of it after spending most of the last decade propping up their current lord and saviour) and the D’s candidate. The candidate will be either a Socialist nitwit or an ex-president’s harridan wife with a penchant for crime. Good luck with that. Maybe the press will emerge from their gimp box and save the party of D one last time. Maybe not. It’ll be as ugly as it is entertaining and most importantly it’ll be visited upon those for whom a good solid hammering is long overdue.

Back to Trump. WTF? Nope… no WTF… the guy’s arrival is logical in it’s own way. Obama paved the way. A magic mirror that reflected to his supporters anything they wanted to see. Trump was watching and learned and now he’s giving it a good shot and the Nation seems ready for a freakshow. In fact both parties, by their failures, made a freak necessary. If it wasn’t Trump it would’ve been some other freak. Ron Paul, Oprah, who knows… but it was going to be someone the establishment loathed.

It didn’t have to be that way. Had Obama and Bush before him, the party of R, the party of D… if anyone at all had led like reasoned adults Trump wouldn’t have happened. It’s boring to follow the Constitution and act with deference and avoid doing stupid shit but the nation needed boring and it has realized it’ll never get boring until it plays a game with the parties I like to call “scorched earth”. Regardless, a new form of both parties is now inevitable because nobody is putting the freak back in the box once he’s been let loose.

It comes down to both parties abdicating their role as reasoned representatives of the people in a constitutional republic. Remember those big words from when you slept through high school? Well they mattered. In response to both the parties’ failure the Nation created the current form of Gozer.

I touched on the concept in 2013:

“Sequestration implies that we cannot make wise decisions about debt so we must make unwise decisions about debt.”

So are we doomed? Not particularly…. or rather we’ve been doomed a long time. Trump’s peculiar form of shambling stupidity not even remotely as dangerous as other things we’ve been long enduring. A bipartisan instigated debt of $18,000,000,000,000.00 can rock the firmament. Trump pissing off Mexico is a side show. Obama’s (and Bush’s) long slow crumbing of the rule of law is similarly bigger than a New Yorker with questionable hair. I could go on but you get the point.

The universe itself conspired to upset the applecart because the establishment’s status quo is unsustainable. There’s a phrase that explains Trump; “If something cannot go on forever, it will stop.

So buckle in and enjoy the ride. It’s going to get ugly but remember that ugly is better than a straight jacket.

Also for your viewing pleasure I’ve gathered to alternative versions of Trump:


First, from everyone’s favorite prophesy, I present a man who needs no introduction, President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho!

President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho

Now pay attention here because this guy, in addition to being satirical (and a second amendment supporter), was a better president than we’ve had in a long time. His people were suffering and so the “nutcase” found a smart guy (with a peanut head) told him to solve it, and then got the hell out of the way. This president, unlike the losers we’ve been electing preferred solving problems to creating them! Seen DC solve a problem lately? Go ahead, name a real life political problem from the last 15 years or so and tell me that it’s been solved by DC. Heck, our current establishment says they’re awesome so surely they can name a few really resounding successes. I’m waiting. In the meantime I’ll read a press report that says “plants crave it” and DC will go back to freebasing debt.


Second I’ll turn to a different prophesy; Harrison Bergeron. It’s a short story from Welcome To The Monkey House, a nice simple little movie that seems to have been shoved down the memory hole (I can’t find any video clips or photos of President McCloskey), and a disappointing shorthand remade video abomination. In the story the President is selected by random lot from the totally equalized people of an affirmative action wet dream / dystopic future America. McCloskey (like all presidents) has foreign affairs challenges. Unlike our current Nobel Prize winner he seemed more eager to solve problems than create more. Let’s see some dialogue from how a freak handled things:

[Harrison Bergeron gets to see an official having a video conference with a private citizen who also serves as the randomly selected president]
President McCloskey: No, no way.
Reynolds: Mr. President, the Premier is only asking for another 24 hours. He wants the approval of the Moroccan parliament. He fears a civil war be axed(?) without their backing.
President McCloskey: Fuck ’em. I told them two weeks ago if they didn’t agree to dismantle that factory under our supervision, we’d bomb the shit out of them! Now they’ve got one hour to agree, otherwise – bombs away.
Reynolds: But Mr. President, the installation is only 5 miles outside of Rabat. The nuclear fallout could be apocalyptic.
President McCloskey: Well, that’s what they get for building a T-bomb when we told them not to. Those cocksuckers got to learn not to fuck with us. 59 minutes!
Newman: Inform the Premiere. Tell mission control to make final preparations for the strike.
[a female official complies and walks away]
Reynolds: You’ve got to be kidding me. Shouldn’t we get Klaxon down here?
Newman: You know his motto – [cynically] the will of the people.
Reynolds: Well, this isn’t the people! This is some steel worker from Scranton we picked as president!
Newman: I’ll remind you, Mr. Reynolds, that since that nasty Canadian business, American policy – brutal and unsophisticated as it is – does work. The rest of the world seems has learned to use the president’s stern words [cynically] that they can’t…fuck…with us.
Reynolds: This Moroccan business is different. The Premiere is at an impossible situation with a board of dispute in Algeria and an unrest in his army. The president does not understand the complexity of the matter. Now, he may be an average person, but I can assure you leaders of other nations are not average. They are subtle, sophisticated men and dealing with them takes great skill and patience and diplomacy!
Female official: Sir, the Moroccan Premiere has agreed to the terms of the president’s ultimatum.
[Harrison Bergeron signs the words “thank you” in relief in the corner]
Newman: [smiles cynically] As you were saying?

So… has our current president done better than a randomly selected fictional dolt?

Has he either normalized or closed Guantanamo. Or has he done a little of both?

Did he win in Iraq or lose it? Or did he win it first and then bail out and lose it?

He wants to let everyone south of the Rio Grande emigrate. We all have goals. Did he find some clear, legal, and popularly supported way to accomplish that? Conversely did he actually defend the border? As far as I can tell he temporarily hamstrung enforcement of actual law (you know… how it’s written on paper and stuff) and then encouraged throngs of peasants to become criminals on our soil. How’s that a solution to anything?  It looks to me like a deliberately created problem as his gift to the next administration.

So a satirical dolt saw a problem steamrolled it in a humorous exchange. An exchange that’s even more amusing because it’s both honourable and truthful. No bluffing and red lines from this dipshit. President McKlushy had it done and went back to watching TV smoother than Bush could find an entanglement or Obama could snatch defeat from the hands of victory.


See what I mean. When you’re in stuck in a rut and everyone wants to keep digging maybe a freak is the reset the system needs. At the very least he can smack some sense into the rest of the crowd who apparently forgot how to be adults. One might hope at least.

Happy Tuesday.

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