Lesbian Squirrels: Part 8: The Transspecies Drone Of Denuttifying

Mary and Terry perched in a tree observing their work. A hunting raptor is an awe-inspiring creature. Terry shivered a little. To think they controlled such power!

Edward was eager to demonstrate his new abilities. They would be so proud! He scanned the ground while humming Abba:

“You’d better take care.
Never walk alone after midnight.
If you don’t believe me, you’d better beware
Of me!
I am behind you.
I always find you.”

There it was! A small furry creature was furtively inching through the brush. Edward stopped humming. Abba had provided the prey; it was up to him to be the predator. He banked off a thermal and drifted silently closer.

Squirrels have territories but they only pay attention to those adjacent to them. This squirrel’s territory was well delineated and agreed upon by all the adjacent squirrels. Roughly speaking, he had access to all food in a triangular space bounded by a field, a stream, and the smelly petrified bear. The bear was gross but otherwise it was a good territory. He had plenty of food to support him all winter.

He had heard of Mary and Terry but wasn’t interested in them. “There’s something weird about squirrels that mess with electronics.” He thought. He’d never met them.

Right now he was digging a hole to stash some acorns. After that he would…

BOOM! Edward struck like Thor’s hammer.

Desperately, the squirrel squirmed in Edward’s iron grasp. It was no use.

Meanwhile Edward was singing to himself:

“People who fear me
Never come near me.”

Edward perched in a tree and held the writhing squirrel with one talon while he giggled to himself. It felt so good to hunt again!

But wait! There was something more… Something he had to remember… In the joy of the hunt, it had slipped his mind and now he grasped for it. What was it?

He held the squirrel up to his eyes and peered directly at it. The squirrel, terrified, froze.

After a few seconds, the conditioning kicked in, and Edward remembered exactly what he was supposed to do. He flipped the squirrel over and checked…

It had nuts!

Satisfied, Edward ate the squirrel.

There was still plenty of daylight for hunting and Edward was going to use every minute! He took flight and began singing to himself again:

“And if I meet you
What if I eat you?”

In less than 10 minutes he’d located and captured another squirrel; this time from the territory immediately to the west of the stinking petrified bear. When he flipped it over there were no nuts. Damn!

He delivered this, and all female squirrels, unharmed, to Mary and Terry’s perch. Without another word (for malesplaining is unforgiveable) he’d take flight and begin the hunt again.

As each female squirrel arrived, and by midafternoon there were dozens, Mary and Terry would give a short but incredibly persuasive speech about the movement. Not surprisingly, any squirrel that had been plucked from the ground by a hunting raptor but immediately spared due to their sex was more than happy to join the movement.

By sunset nearly every male squirrel in that portion of the forest was gone and all the females had agreed to help Mary and Terry in their plans. Mary and Terry were delighted. The movement had a glorious future!

About Adaptive Curmudgeon

I will neither confirm nor deny that I actually exist.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Lesbian Squirrels: Part 8: The Transspecies Drone Of Denuttifying

  1. richardcraver says:

    Oh my! This is getting too much like reality.

    Well played.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Oh well, at least they can’t breed.
    Is that bear a dead petrified of like in stasis petrified?

  3. Phil B says:

    “He flipped the squirrel over and checked… It had nuts!”

    Well Duh! It’s a squirrel. Squirrels always have nuts. That’s what they eat … Oh, wait … I forgot about the lesbian bit.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s