Lesbian Squirrels: Part 7: Finally, A Competent Hero

The “High Priority Emergency Interagency Meeting” was playing out like they usually do. Members of various bureaucracies were clucking like hens and talking about budgets. Meanwhile a terrified technical analyst was slumped over a chair weeping.

The Cigarette Smoking Man (who is totally real) surveyed the room; the total lack of action was as he had expected. Unnoticed by the crowd he skirted the edge of the room and stood next to the analyst.

“Nice try.” He patted the analyst’s shoulder. “But I’ll take it from here.”

He cleared his throat. Bovine like, the crowd turned towards him. Some of them knew him. Those few immediately took their seats and waited for further instructions. The rest, confused, followed their peers.

“You, and you. I want to talk to you.” He pointed to the highest ranking military officer in the room and the Walmart greeter. “Everyone else, leave.” In 30 seconds the room was empty save the two selected individuals, the analyst, and our hero.

He addressed the general first. “Wild animals are coming to rip off your balls. It behooves you to strike first. You know the coordinates.”

With a nod the general leapt out of his chair and made a beeline for the door.

He addressed the Walmart greeter next. “I have your browser history from the last 20 years. It will be posted to your wife’s Facebook page tomorrow morning. If I were you, I would see to it that Facebook wasn’t running.”

The Walmart greeter’s face turned pale. He knocked over three chairs on his way out the door.

The Cigarette Smoking Man drew a Marley from his pocket, lit it, and took a deep draw. Then he strode out of the room without looking back.

In my story, this man is the hero.

Mulder got it all wrong. This man is a hero.

About Adaptive Curmudgeon

I will neither confirm nor deny that I actually exist.
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2 Responses to Lesbian Squirrels: Part 7: Finally, A Competent Hero

  1. Heath J says:


    Or something. This is awesome.

  2. Nuke ’em from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
    Hell. Avatar would have been a two minute movie if they had used a brain cell.

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