Hillary and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day: Part 2

Hillary and The Hairball are appalling candidates. Arguably they’re appalling people. Americans would be better served by normal human beings.

Therefore, I’m providing a sample hypothetical candidate. It’s a teaching moment for the reptilians running both parties. I sincerely hope vat raised political creatures in DC can use it to learn about people who aren’t unpalatable.


Introducing Julie Jones. Julie’s political career started after success in the private sector. For decades she worked at real job. After a rewarding career and not in lieu of one she entered politics.

She’s a Senator from Nebraska. That’s because Julie lives in Nebraska. Julie wouldn’t run for Senator of a state where she doesn’t live. That would be weird.

Julie was born and raised in America. She wasn’t born in Canada, Kenya, or an orbiting laboratory. She grew up in America, surrounded by Americans, doing American things. Her youth was not spent at a private school in the Maldives. Her kindergarten teacher wasn’t a socialist activist, a terrorist, an Imam, or a robot.

There’s a record of Julie’s life. For any age you can find folks who knew her; friends from college, employers, customers, neighbors, mechanics, her bowling team, old boyfriends, relatives, etc… There’s no mystery about who the hell she is.

People remember Julie as a child. She was in 4-H. She won a blue ribbon for “best carrot”. Old records of her hometown newspaper “The Cornfield Inquirer” have a picture of her from her prom.

At her prom Julie wore a dress and went on a date with an appropriately aged and predictably gawky male of the species. She doesn’t get into debates about where to take a crap while shopping at Target. She’s neither homophobic (however it’s currently defined in the secret ever-changing codebook of leftism) nor does she deify statistically uncommon practices involving genitals. She thinks sex is not a Federal activity.

She doesn’t live in a gated community. Her front yard has an American flag, a picket fence, and a garden. Her poodle shits on the lawn. She isn’t embarrassed by the American flag but tries to clean up dog doo before guests visit. She doesn’t have an illegal alien gardener.

She owns a Toyota. She drives it herself. She’s never flown on a privately owned jet.

Julie didn’t go to Yale or Harvard. She thinks any “society” called “Skull and Bones” is probably archaic and juvenile. She went to a state agricultural school. She posted her transcripts on her campaign website. If the Russians hack her website, they’ll see the same transcripts everyone else sees. Julie is a little embarrassed about the C- she got in chemistry. Julie doesn’t have a degree in “social justice”. She’s paid her student loans.

Julie’s first job was mopping the floor at Pizza Hut. Neither of her parents had anything to do with that or any future jobs. After high school she did four years in the Army filling out paperwork for the motor pool. Later she was a medical transcriptionist.

She and her husband, Hank Average, started a company that delivers agricultural tractor tires. She and Hank ran their company successfully. They met a payroll. They managed a budget. They paid their taxes. The company didn’t go bankrupt. The company didn’t get its business from lobbyists or military contractors. The accountant from her company didn’t mysteriously commit suicide. Corporate records didn’t vanish in a fire. The employee’s 401(k) is properly funded.

Julie’s money comes from her salary and her business. She never made 10,000% profit from offshore weasel derivatives. She did not inherit $6 billion. She doesn’t mysteriously live in a mansion on a $150,000 salary.

There was a scandal when a State funded solar/monorail project handsomely rewarded investors before going bankrupt. Julie was not involved.

Julie is nice; even to people who aren’t “important”. She never screams obscenities at a State Trooper. She doesn’t swear at veterans. She doesn’t get people fired when she dislikes them.

Like most people, she’s never been found naked, with a pound of cocaine, in a stolen Bolivian tank. You won’t find $10,000 in her freezer. There are no rumors that she’s screwing the Green Bay Packers. Her husband hasn’t been accused of rape. She hasn’t been sued for monopolistic business practices. She hasn’t been disbarred. She has never absconded with money or improperly used her authority.  When she got a speeding ticket she just paid it. She never drove into a ditch while drunk or left her passenger to drown. There are no photos of Keith Richards defibrillating in her living room. Julie has never joined a cult.

As a Senator she uses the same e-mail practices everyone else does. She responds to FOIA requests promptly and not like a paranoid throwback from the Kremlin. She has regular press conferences. She doesn’t collude with anyone sketchy.

When someone asks her a question she tries to answer truthfully. She answers the question that was actually asked. Sometimes it’s just one word; “yes” or “no”. She never lies and rarely obfuscates.

Julie doesn’t have a book that was ghost written in her name. She believes only a narcissist would write three autobiographies. If she wrote a book she wouldn’t force you to buy it.

She doesn’t go to a church where they bitch about America. She likes America. She doesn’t think there’s a vast conspiracy out to get her.

Her closest advisors are from Kansas and Georgia. Their origins are not surrounded in mystery. None of her advisors has ties to terrorists. None are felons. Most of her advisors are Americans, from America, and spent most of their life in America.

She vacations in Florida and gets there by driving her Toyota. She visited Europe without telling Europeans they should be Americans. When she came back to America she didn’t tell Americans they should be like Europeans.

Julie doesn’t feel guilty about wars America has won. Nor does she want to start new ones. She’d love to be at peace with Russia. She’d be happy if ISIS were squashed like a bug.

Julie doesn’t feel guilty about events that happened before she was born. Julie doesn’t think her personal wealth somehow causes misery in Bangladesh. Or Detroit. She doesn’t think it’s a bad thing to have wealth.

Julie has a vagina. She doesn’t consider it her major qualification. Her husband’s schlong doesn’t have its own Twitter account.

She hires people based on skill and nothing else. When possible she remembers their birthday.

When she gets old, Julie would like to retire. She has no desire to die of old age at a desk in Washington. She doesn’t have shadowy doctors following her around desperately trying to keep her alive.

Julie buys food at the grocery store and eats it. She likes barbecue ribs, hummus, frozen yogurt, and pizza. She drinks beer. She drinks coffee. She likes chocolate. She doesn’t like cheesecake but doesn’t mind if you eat it.

She isn’t mean to smokers. She doesn’t insult Catholics. She doesn’t bitch about Jews. She doesn’t rant about other races. She doesn’t hate or worship foreigners.

Sometimes Julie goes quail hunting. She never accidentally shot anybody.

Every year Julie and Hank invite friends over for a Super Bowl party. Nobody has ever died at their party. You don’t have to make a political donation to get invited.

As their tractor tire company thrived she indulged in luxuries; an AKC registered poodle, a vacation in Paris, a bass boat for her husband, and a new riding lawnmower. She’s thinking of buying a Subaru. She doesn’t launder money through a private charity.

Her children have jobs that have nothing to do with her politics. They can find their own way. They grow up so fast.

When Julie meets people who won’t vote for her she doesn’t call them racist, sexist, homophobic, or xenophobic. That would be rude! She politely shakes their hand and talks about the exciting world of tractor tire delivery.

Julie likes America, plays by the rules, isn’t strange, and avoids scandal. Much better than the walking trainwrecks we see now. Folks in DC need to schedule a field trip to America. Americans are great people. They should quit trying to foist freaks upon us.

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About Adaptive Curmudgeon

I will neither confirm nor deny that I actually exist.
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12 Responses to Hillary and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day: Part 2

  1. Sailorcurt says:

    Unfortunately, Julie is unelectable in today’s America.

  2. Weisshaupt says:

    But only the freaks want the job. No sane hard working American wants a position where they bully other Americans about stuff that isn’t anyone else’s business, or worse- deal with the other freaks who do want to bully others and have just as much power as you do.

  3. abnormalist says:

    So…
    “Like most people, she’s never been found naked, with a pound of cocaine, in a stolen Bolivian tank. You won’t find $10,000 in her freezer. There are no rumors that she’s screwing the Green Bay Packers. Her husband hasn’t been accused of rape. She hasn’t been sued for monopolistic business practices. She hasn’t been disbarred. She has never absconded with money or improperly used her authority. When she got a speeding ticket she just paid it. She never drove into a ditch while drunk or left her passenger to drown. There are no photos of Keith Richards defibrillating in her living room. Julie has never joined a cult.”

    You really arent selling me on Julie,
    Like most people, Julie is under living her life. Julie needs to go out, get un boring, and make some stories!

  4. NEO says:

    Well, I am a Nebraskan, Julie ain’t my senator. Mine are far better than average, but not quite that good. Julie needs to be President, and then she can retire!

  5. Anonymous says:

    Very cogent sir.

  6. f1watch says:

    I would vote for her.

  7. p2 says:

    does julie have a sister who’s single??

  8. richardcraver says:

    As usual, you nailed it! Thanks!

  9. cspschofield says:

    ” They should quit trying to foist freaks upon us.”

    But the freaks are so amusing! They flounder around and make conspicuous fools of themselves.

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