Ten Safety Tips For Independence Day

FEMA, God bless ’em, is trying to keep us knuckle dragging dipshits alive. As such they’ve posted safety tips here. Somewhere there’s a person so dumb they need these tips. This person is either institutionalized or a politician. For the rest of us I’ve decided to provide further details. They’re in bold at the end of FEMA’s text.

No need to thank me; I’m here to help:


Release date:
June 30, 2016
Release Number:
RV-NR-2016-05

CHICAGO –Ensure your Independence Day weekend is filled with celebration and not regret (Regret is bad. Remember that one time in band camp you did that thing? Photos on the cloud are like forever man. Live and learn eh?) with these 10 fire safety tips, from the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) Region V office in Chicago. Trust us when we talk about safety. We’re from Chicago. We’ve had 326 homicides in 2016. (City motto: “Well on track to double the number homicides in 2016!”) We’re real good at protecting the people who don’t get gunned down by gangs before lunch.

  1. Be sure fireworks are legal in your area before using or buying them. Either that or just do what everyone has done for generations; pick ’em up next time you’re visiting a free state. Nothing that says “America” like visiting Grandma’s retirement home in Florida and coming back with a box of Roman candles. It almost makes the trip worthwhile.
  2. Always have an adult supervise fireworks activities and never allow children to play with or ignite fireworks. Fortunately the other 364 days a year you can let your kids run feral. Let the little monsters play in the street. Sparklers alone account for one quarter of emergency room fireworks injuries. Like light beer and masturbation, sparklers are only a hollow shadow of the real thing. If you’re going to go to the emergency room at least have the decency to blow something off with a mortar.
  3. If you set off fireworks, keep a bucket of water handy in case of malfunction or fire. Also you might need to deal with the Wicked Witch of the West… or Hillary Clinton.
  4. If fireworks malfunction, don’t relight them! Douse and soak them with water then throw them away. The safest way to dispose of fireworks that didn’t light or burn properly is to dump them in your neighbor’s pool. A full swimming pool on a teacher’s salary? Once a year that asshole can fish out some paper. It’s for the good of the community!
  5. Never ignite fireworks in a container, especially one that is glass or metal. In case you have trouble with the physics behind this request feel free to ask your nearest mad bomber. They’ll explain it to you.
  6. Use your grill well away from your home and deck railings, and out from under branches or overhangs. But don’t be silly and try to cook on the lawn like a common Neanderthal. You might get wet if it rains. Real men stuff a grill in their van and run it there. You don’t want to get wet.
  7. Open your gas grill before lighting. Also take your pants off before shitting.
  8. Periodically remove grease or fat buildup in trays below your gas or propane grill so it cannot be ignited. Handy tip: spread that shit on bread. It’s delicious.
  9. Declare a three-foot “kid and pet-free zone” around the grill to keep them safe. Kids suck. Ship ’em off to college where they can get stoned and screw without disturbing your barbecue.
  10. Avoid loose clothing that can catch fire when cooking on the grill. Grilling naked is probably safest.

You can find more information and tips on being fire safe this Fourth of July, by visiting www.usfa.fema.gov and be sure to download the FEMA app, available for Apple, Android and Blackberry mobile devices. (We totally promise this won’t track your every movement for the rest of your life. You don’t have anything to hide do you? Well do you?) The app includes home fire safety tips and reminders users can set to test smoke alarms (monthly), change smoke alarm batteries (yearly), and practice fire escape plans (every six months). (Cliff notes version: set ’em on fire, wire ’em to a car battery, run motherfucker… it’s a damn fire!)

FEMA’s mission is to support our citizens and first responders to ensure that as a nation we work together to build, sustain, and improve our capability to prepare for, protect against, respond to, recover from, and mitigate all hazards. (The first big hurricane that hits Memphis is when it’ll all unfold. We’re going to round you up in camps and grind you into cat food. Whoops did I just say that aloud?)

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About Adaptive Curmudgeon

I will neither confirm nor deny that I actually exist.
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2 Responses to Ten Safety Tips For Independence Day

  1. Mark Matis says:

    One more safety tip:

    If you’re grillin’ bacon, “Grilling naked is probably NOT safest.

  2. Pingback: A laugh for the weekend » Scary Yankee Chick

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