Ambushed By NPR: Part 1

[I’ve tried to avoid politics. I’ve failed. Forgive me.]

A month ago my truck and I were happily haulin’ ass when the wind started cycling into white outs. I listen to history lectures when driving is easy (Great Courses but that’s another post) but it’s too distracting when mother nature is trying to kill me. I clicked off the lecture, engaged 4×4 (with a prayer of thanks for modern engineering), slowed down, and kept my mitts at ten and two.

Driving at 45 MPH is boring so I turned on the radio. Throughout the vastness of America (what urbanites call “Godforsaken flyover land”) the clearest station is always America’s Pravda (NPR). NPR’s reporting was, as usual, somewhere left of Trotsky.

It was shortly after the Iowa Caucus. I hadn’t heard the results. Turns out Trump had tied for second; just behind Ted “He Who Shall Not Be Named” Cruz. Quelle suprise! This was notably factual. Actual news on NPR? Awesome!

The “news” went downhill. The woman reporting this factoid just couldn’t chill out. She was giddy that Trump didn’t win. Suppose I informed you I’d released a cobra in the kitchen. Then suppose I changed “cobra” to “puppy”. That was her level of relief. It’s interesting that voice alone can transmit such emotion through tone and cadence. Either she was really happy Trump didn’t win or she was having an orgasm.

Yeah right, thought I. A goofball stomps around like Godzilla, spends minimal funds in Iowa, tells Fox News to fuck off, shits on the press, insults every PC concept known to humanity, and still gets within 4% of a plurality. This is a bad showing? The chick on NPR (I use the word “chick” because “journalists” at least pretend they’re not giddy) seemed to believe 3.3% below a plurality is “soundly defeated”.

Here’s a word problem for us all: “Suppose Mike Mainstream gets 8 delegates and Alexander Asshole gets 7 delegates. Suppose NPR says Asshole was crushed like a squirrel beneath a Mack truck and Mainstream has dreamy eyes. In one hundred words or less, describe where NPR’s funding originates.”

She acted like any day now Trump would bugger off to the dungeons of capitalism or wherever dirty bastards who work for a profit lurk. Eventually she spewed the six hundredth prediction of Trump’s flameout.

Now there’s an idea that’s been tried and found wanting; “He’s toast this time for sure!” It ‘aint happening. I initially thought Trump would self-immolate. So did everyone except Scott Adams and my dog. I was wrong. Everyone except Scott Adams and my dog was wrong. When I am wrong, I attempt to learn from it. I don’t try extra hard to believe I was right. That’s because I’m not a six year old child or an NPR propagandist.

The giddy chick’s pronouncements made me uncomfortable. The lady doth protest too much. She probably has a Trump poster over her bed.

Some other hack took over the microphone, possibly to give giddy chick private time to explore her feelings. The new factoid was that Jeb Bush garnered 2.8%. This makes him less popular than a proctology exam performed by Ebola. None of the NPR flacks thought Jeb was a flameout. Isn’t that awesome? Jeb gets under 3% and Trump gets over 24% so Trump is doomed and Jeb “has time to improve”. Really? As a sane man I’m aware that <3% is the very definition of “toast”. It would take a month and $100 million of other people’s money before Jeb figured out the obvious. Slow learner.

The first chick came back but now she sounded less giddy. Clinton beat Sanders by 0.3%. They spoke Sander’s name as if he caused leukaemia by entering the race but I think it’s just their opinion that Queen-elect Clinton really shouldn’t have to put up with his hippie shit. Even so it was a win for NPR’s obvious favorite and they had audio smiles all around. I’m impressed whenever the female Clinton gets through the day without committing a felony so I tried to feel charitable about her slim but honest win. I hope she enjoyed a little champaign or whatever Clintons drink to celebrate; probably the blood of slain enemies.

Then came the description of how Clinton has already locked up 450 “super delegates” (whatever the hell they are). Sanders, who has the fighting soul of a koala bear is up against a pit viper. I know this because he started out 450 points down. Pat Buchanan channeling Mussolini on a blind date with Gozer the Destroyer couldn’t make a voting system that crooked. That said I admire Clinton’s clanging brass balls when it comes to game manipulation. I expect her to start handing out business cards that say “Fuck you, I’m a goddamn Clinton”.

If there’s an upside maybe America could harness that level of deceit and rule the known universe. Imagine future negotiations between Vladimir Putin and a person who’s never once played fair:

“Listen up Vlad baby, you’re former KGB and look good without a shirt. That’s cute. But you’ve got no idea about me. I get plus seven on all saving throws. I start elections 450 points ahead of every living being. I’m straight up concentrated evil. I was fired for being too unethical to Nixon. Isn’t that impressive? I treated Nixon, a douchebag whom everyone hated, so badly that I was fired for being mean… by lawyers! I did that at an age when most kids are still playing beer pong and you were learning Judo. You should have cut the shit Vlad, forget martial arts and spycraft and simply refine the practice of being evil. I come from a different dimension of time and space where humility and kindness doesn’t exist; and I’m not talking about Newark. Understand Vlad? Your human ways are chew toys to my sinister mind. I break laws when I don’t need to. I ruin people when it’s unnecessary. I fart in elevators, make the maid work on Christmas, and force my chauffeur to hit orphans on the street. I key diplomat’s cars and blame Mitt Romney. When the Pope visits I’ll put sugar in his gas tank. When shitheads burned the American embassy and tore people to bits I had some random idiot blogger arrested. Yeah baby, I threw some dipshit in the clink for a year just to amuse myself. I’ve built a dungeon in the white house basement and I’ve got Ted Nugent and John McCain chained up right now and watching Barney 24/7. Why? Because I’m super special extra mean like that. When I send e-mails I commit treason. Ever heard of anyone else who breaks the law just to send an e-mail? Why store State secrets in a non-governmental shitter in Denver? Because I can! People throw money at my charitable organization and I spend it on Chia Pets and crack. I sleep on a pile of gold coins. I cause acid rain. I bake kittens into my oatmeal. I’m undead and can never die. No mortal can win against me.”

“Now Vlad baby… before we discuss trade agreements I’d like to point out that I’ve already poisoned your coffee. Why? Because I’m a goddamn Clinton and nothing can stop me. Bwa ha ha ha ha!”

Seriously man, who gets to start an election 450 points ahead?

Part 2 next….

About Adaptive Curmudgeon

I will neither confirm nor deny that I actually exist.
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6 Responses to Ambushed By NPR: Part 1

  1. Tim says:

    I worry about the harm that could be done to gun rights if a Democrat appoints Scalia’s replacement. A Trump presidency, OTOH, would be up against a government determined to resist him, likely resulting in very little change. The hippy tears would be delicious, though.

  2. Mark Matis says:

    One question for you:

    Just what do you think that Vlad would do to a filthy lying slut who couldn’t even get a “reset” button right???

  3. Rich in NC says:

    Mr Mudge,
    It’s sad that you were unable to avoid politics. I’m very glad you didn’t though, as your writing about politics is as much fun as all your other writing ( which in a word is ‘wonderful’) Your sense of humor and reality are a joy to experience. [No, I’m not running for president of your fan club either]

    Rich in NC

  4. JebTexas says:

    Oh Baby, if you could get a couple chapters like that together, you’d have a best freakin’ seller for sure! Still giggling over “I bake kittens into my oatmeal.”

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