Chickadees And Squirrels: Part 2

The problem with birdfeeders is that they attract critters other than chickadees. Generally I don’t care. Birdfeed won’t break the bank. If sparrows or blackbirds or whatever take some food I can live with it. Unfortunately the dog can’t quite grok the concept; especially when it’s a squirrel.

As we all know, squirrels are assholes. Not that I mind. I’m an asshole too. The little varmints get into the feeder, flip over the top, and chow down on twice their weight in seed. This doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is that sometimes the dog sees the squirrel and goes to DEFCON 5.


It’s enough to give me a God damn heart attack. So I respond in my usual polite Curmudgeonly manner. “SHUT THE HELL UP YOU DAMN MUTT!”

The dog looks at me, “but I’m defending the home?”

“From a friggin’ squirrel?” I explain to my stupid dog. “You bark like that again and I’d better see six Viking ships and the Mongol Horde crossing the front yard. Got it?”

“But… squirrel!” The dog tries to explain.

“Seriously man, if you bark like that again and it ‘aint Zombies driving a tank I’ll trade you in for a llama.” I threaten.

So the dog goes back to sleep and I mop up the coffee I’ve spilled, turn over the keyboard I’ve flipped, and restack the papers I sent flying, count to ten, and settle in. The thing is that you’ve just got to let stuff go; like water off a duck’s back. And if you…


The squirrel is back. Sigh.

About Adaptive Curmudgeon

I will neither confirm nor deny that I actually exist.
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13 Responses to Chickadees And Squirrels: Part 2

  1. davefreer says:

    Grin. I have the same issue with wombats that keep invading my garden. You have the advantage that you’re allowed to shoot the squirrel.

  2. Mark Matis says:

    Well surely there’s an easy solution to that. Just dress the cat up like a squirrel and shag it in front of your pooch. Doggy won’t mess with squirrels EVER again…

  3. Sean V says:

    That’s just delicious

  4. Matt says:

    Excellent use of ‘grok,’ AC. I’ve noticed it before, but it’s definitely classy.

  5. Pam Burkardt says:

    One of our 3 hounds from hell has gone over to the dark side. She not only is now going after the birds and eating her catch, but instead of barking, her voice changes to more of a scream. I guess since she is of the female persuasion, it’s ok-ish, but in the middle of the night when she thinks the birds are at the feeder it is rather disturbing. I would encourage her to not behave like that, but she belongs to one of my daughters (who is just as high maintenance and scary) so I just love on her.

  6. Divad says:

    To be the one making the nit-picky technical point, Defcon 5 is situation normal, Defcon 1 is when everything possible has hit all possible fans.

  7. abnormalist says:

    @Sean V
    “That’s just delicious”

    So are squirrels, which is why I usually dont have issues with them and my bird feeders…

    I have squirrel feeders, also called bait posts so I dont put .22 holes in the bird feeders 🙂

    A little peanut butter on a dowel, stuck into a 2×4 hung from a tree. One friend actually put a bucket under it to catch the squirrels so the dogs didnt get them before he did.

  8. wibble says:

    You think you’ve got problems. I’ve got 8 mentally deranged border collies that upon hearing any word beginning with CAT or even spelling C A T promptly hurl themselves at the doors in a barking snarling frenzy. They make Mr Burns hounds from the Simpsons look like a bunch of effete poodles.
    What makes it worse is that the stupid buggers can’t tell the difference between a cat, a squirrel, a stoat, a fox or the neighbouring farms dog. The word CAT apparently means kill all intruders in collie. The only things they won’t go for are sheep, it’s their job to protect and round them up which they will do whether you wanted them rounded up or not, the Llama because he’s mean as f@@k and badgers because even they won’t argue with a creature more mentally deranged than they are.
    I’ve lost count of how many neighbours cats I’ve had to surreptitiously bury whilst blaming foxes and I haven’t seen a live squirrel for ages. They do like to leave me the odd portion of one by the back porch, a nice gesture but a little well chewed for my taste.
    On the plus side the bird feeders never get raided by squirrels and crows don’t even contemplate landing as they figure highly on the collie death list as well.
    The funniest is a little robin who hops around eating the fallen seeds. I swear he’s Scottish. Everytime one of the dogs approaches him he gives them the old steely eye as though he’s saying “Go on you greet hairy ball of shite, make ma day jimmy”. Faced with psyscotic sparrow with a death wish they turn around and go and flump down in the barn whilst pretending he’s not worth the effort!

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