For another week Foxinator’s pig remained alive and well and increasingly evil. My pigs, which couldn’t be moved without the trailer, played happily in the sun and behaved like angels. This proves that the universe is always in balance. When your life sucks, it probably just means someone else is having a great day.
One sunny day I’d planned a work trip with an early departure. It was 5 am and I was sipping my pre-trip morning coffee and thinking of reasons why I’d rather be fishing. Mrs. Curmudgeon’s phone chirped.
A text from the Foxinator: “READY?”
Mrs. Curmudgeon texted back: “YEP. LOCKED AND LOADED. BE THERE AT 5:45.”
I sipped my coffee and sat very still. Something was going to die and it was going to get messy. If there ever was an ideal time to be somewhere else this was it.
“Gee look at the time! I gotta’ go. See ya later.” I practically bolted for the door.
Outside at my truck, still clutching my first cup of coffee, I passed our pig pen.
Pig #1: “Morning Curmudgeon! Isn’t it a great day?
Pig #2: “Sure is. We love you dude!”
Pig #3: Sound asleep… “Zzzz….”
Curmudgeon: “Mornin’ guys, here’s a couple stale donuts I swiped on the way out.”
Pig #3: “Thanks man!”
Curmudgeon: (Glancing nervously back at the house.) “Look guys, you might want to hang low for a while. Just stay away from the gate eh?”
Pigs: “Whatever you say. Have a great trip.”
I got out of there.
Fifty miles later I got a text from Mrs. Curmudgeon: “THE PIGS ARE ON THE TRAILER.”
I texted back (don’t give me shit about texting and driving… I live in one of the free states): “WAS IT GRUESOME?”
Mrs. Curmudgeon: “NOPE. THEY JUST WALKED ON THE TRAILER.”
Curmudgeon: “SAY WHAT?”
Mrs. Curmudgeon: “APPARENTLY THEY KNEW WE MEANT BUSINESS THIS TIME AND DECIDED TO BEHAVE ACCORDINGLY. MAYBE THE PISTOL WAS A CLUE?”
Curmudgeon: “WAS BILL PLEASED?”
Mrs. Curmudgeon: “HE WASN’T PISSED OFF, ONLY GRUFF. I THINK THAT COUNTS AS PLEASANTLY SURPRISED :)”
So the saga ends without a shot fired. I for one am relieved.
I call that a close call… for everybody; possibly even the evil pigs. Two angry, armed women, winching bloody carcasses on a trailer is one of those things best left to the mind of Steven King. Folks, any time you’re thinking your day sucks… Like maybe you’re reading this while at a cubicle and your boss just made you fill out the umpteenth form in triplicate, just remember that you’re not on the bad side of Foxinator and Mrs. Curmudgeon. See? Doesn’t everything suddenly feel better?
yep it does and i so appreciate all your posts, may you have such a Blessed Holiday.
I’ll never understand how animals suddnely realize a human is serious the INSTANT a firearm is involved.
There are plenty of humans that only take another human seriously the instant a firearm is involved.
And most of them are clearly less intelligent than a stray dog, much less a pig.
“So the saga ends without a shot fired. I for one am relieved.”
I, for one, am disappointed. I was looking forward to a tale of rounds being loosed into the trailer and the sky, valiantly attempting to retain posession of your pistol in a death struggle with hooligan pigs. Neighbors diving for cover, warrants issued. Y’know, the usual.
May your post-solstice days be reasonably snowdrift free.
hell, as long as we’re wishing; May all the snowfall due us in 2015 land in Washington DC, when Congress is in session.
Oh, that would be great.
Amen. Pass the bacon, please.
And may psychotically antisocial pigs defecate on the upholstery of their taxpayer-purchased limousines.