Pig Driving: Part 3

The butcher is a man who’s schedule is a combination of ruthless efficiency and utter lack of flexibility. You must call weeks ahead for an appointment. The appointment will invariably be in an inconvenient time. You smile and accept this because a butcher, unlike a doctor or lawyer, is both an artisan and an important pillar of society. We need him!

Unfortunately, Foxinator’s fencing didn’t have room to put the trailer in the pig pen and it didn’t have fences to “route” the pigs up a ramp. Plus, her pigs were acting like assholes.

Foxinator: “Hi everyone. Here’s the trailer, please step in.”

Pig A: “Screw you!”

Pig B: “I fear everything…..aaaauuuuuugggghhhh.”

Foxinator: “Look I’ve got yummy treats. I put them in the trailer. Cmon’ it’ll be great.”

Pig C: “Oh yeah, you gonna’ make me? I’ll kick your ass!”

Pig D: “Fight! Fight! Fight!”

Foxinator: “Look guys it’s for a nice ride. You’ll like it.”

Pig A: “You’re just the man holding us back!”

Pig E: “Charge!!!!!”

It would soon devolve into pandemonium; some pigs would be in the pen, others escaped to the lawn, some got lost in the trailer, others wandered around the barn, one was clearly  trying to steal the car, another surreptitiously racked up long distance phone bills, etc… Things would get knocked over, fences got messed up. Squealing was heard. Life sucked.

Finally the phone call was made:

Butcher: “Bills Meat Butchery and Scented Candle Emporium… I’m in a damn hurry so speak fast.”

Foxinator: “I can’t get the pigs to you today.”

Butcher: “Are you insane?!? I’m on a tight schedule. This will have repercussions. Deep repercussions.”

Foxinator: “The pigs won’t get on the trailer.”

Butcher: “Try harder!”

Foxinator: “They’re running amok. One just took all the beer out of the fridge. Another one is surfing porn on my computer. Three are chasing the cat and the dog is chasing a fourth. I think they’re planning a road trip to the liquor store. One is smoking Pall Malls and the other is making pipe bombs. What do I do?”

Butcher: “Your appointment this week is cancelled. Try again next week. Same time. Exactly the same time! Not one minute later!”

Foxinator: “But….”

Butcher: “Repercussions!”

Foxinator: “Sigh…”

About Adaptive Curmudgeon

I will neither confirm nor deny that I actually exist.
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6 Responses to Pig Driving: Part 3

  1. Anonymous says:

    I presume the butcher has no signifcant competition, thus allowing him to not accomodate customers?

    • Yep.

      Well I should say there are a few other butchers. This guy is pretty darned skilled compared to them though. Sometimes you gotta’ put up with hassles to get a higher quality product. (I don’t know if my customers appreciate it but butchering done well is worth it.)

  2. Anonymous says:

    My Father was a butcher. He accommodated his customers schedules, even accepting orders at midnight on the first full moon after the first hard frost. Your area needs another butcher.

  3. Tennessee Budd says:

    I avoid butchers like I avoid skinny, blonde (oops, missed a that a couple of times) or whiny women. Like I avoid tar snakes in summer. Like…you get the idea. I’ve always butchered my own game, sometimes when I hadn’t expected to be doing so few of hours before. (Hey, opportunity knocks, you answer.)
    That said, I am from the country, in TN. I’m not too old to remember my youth (nor young enough to be back in it & think it’s great fun). All that scalding & scraping & shit–I’d give a butcher a lot of slack, and money, if I raised pigs.

    • Specialization of skills has it’s place and for me it makes sense to “hire out” butchering. Partly because there’s a big difference between butchering a pig for sale and butchering a deer for your personal use and partly because butchering a pig sounds like a PITA. I think I’m better off having a “pro” deal with a pig, especially one I’m selling. Things could change. If I suddenly find myself with a lot more time on my hands and a lot less money I’ll change tactics.

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