The universe tends toward balance. While my pigs were happy. the Foxinator’s pigs were unhappy. While my pigs relaxed in a huge (oversized really) pen and basked in the attention of everyone on the farm, her pigs were more numerous, were in a smaller pen, and she didn’t have time to lavish them with excess attention. In an unfortunate series of mishaps her pigs became juvenile delinquents. They started stealing shopping carts, smoking behind the high school bleacher, and making rude remarks in class.
Foxinator: “Morning guys. Here’s a big pile of feed for you.”
Pig A: “You suck!”
Pig B: “Totally. You don’t understand us and I just crapped on the electric fence to prove it. Also I like listening to rap. And I’m getting a tattoo of Johnny Depp on my ass.”
Foxinator: “Look, eat your feed and chill out ok?”
Pig C: “No way! I’m going to fight with Pig D.”
Pig D: “Bring it bitch.”
Pig E, F, G: “Tonight we’re gonna’ break out, hotwire the car, and head for the liquor store.”
Sometimes life is like that.
My pigs, on the other hand, were at peace. They joined me for morning coffee where we discussed the events of the day.
Curmudgeon: “Morning ladies and gentlemen. Here’s an old apple core.”
Pig #1: “Thanks man.
Pig #2: “Nothing for me. That makes me sad.”
Curmudgeon: “I thought of you too. Here’s a slice of stale pizza.”
Pig #2: “Thanks dude. You’re the best.”
Curmudgeon: “Right back at ya’. Hey where’s pig #3?”
Pig #1: “He’s sleeping in. More apple for us eh?”
Curmudgeon: “Fair ’nuff. How’d you like a toy? Here’s an old feed bag.”
Pig #2: Grabbing the feed bag and running… “wheeeee”
Pig #3: “Yawning. Boy did I have a great night’s sleep. Just like always. I see you’re warming up your truck. Going on a trip?”
Curmudgeon: “Very perceptive.”
Pig #3: “I’m gonna’ miss you.”
Curmudgeon: “Awww… I’ll miss you too.”
Pig #1: “I have great interest in the feeding schedule. When will more feed arrive?”
Curmudgeon: “How about lunchtime?”
Pig #1: “That’s great. You’re the bestest.”
Yes, life was good.
It’s only psychosis if they talk back.