Guardians Of The Galaxy

I just watched Guardians Of The Galaxy. I expected it to suck. I was wrong.

Let me start by explaining why I genuinely expected another two hour shitfest:

  1. I don’t give a crap about Marvel versus DC. (I prefer Cracked.)
  2. At some point it is possible to see too many explosions… even in space.
  3. I’ve been “superheroed” to death. See #1.
  4. I’ve been CGI’d to death. See #2.
  5. The trailer convinced me to prefer anything else; such as a root canal.

Then I read a post by someone who liked the movie even though they hated the trailer. (I can’t remember who wrote it but if it was you please send me a note.) Could there be hope?

I also bumped into several positive reviews written by actual human beings. Note; I only pay attention to “non-Hollywood” reviews. Any movie with a sufficient budget (and they’re all huge) gets good reviews by well payed hacks who, as far as I can tell, are bred in vats. Why pay attention to their orgasmic ravings after every new plotless CGI fest?

I needed a break and a reward. So I paid (too much) for tickets. To my delight, it was a damn fun movie. For the first time in years I left the theater without feeling like a chump. Your mileage may vary.

I’m not going to do a plot synopsis because fuck that, that’s why. Instead I’ll point out some good points the trailer missed.

Drax the Destroyer from Guardians Of The Galaxy

Casting real world homicidal maniac Vladimir Putin as Drax the Destroyer was a stroke of genius.

Rocket Raccoon is exactly like the raccoons that raid my chicken coop. Very realistic.

Rocket Raccoon is exactly like the raccoons that raid my chicken coop. Very realistic.

I have twice met the likes of Groot's. I vanquished both in battle... but it was a hard fought victory.

I have twice met giant murderous trees like Groot. Once in 2012 and once in 2013. I vanquished both in battle. Each time it was a hard fought victory. Well portrayed.

A slight casting misstep. Cool headgear and a leather jacket don't make up for the fact that the Starlord is a pothead from That 70's Show.

A slight casting misstep. Cool headgear and a leather jacket don’t make up for the fact that the Starlord is a dimwit from “Parks And Recreation”. Is that “pleather” on a space pirate? See what I mean? Ron Swanson should be the Starlord!

Bad choice for Starlord.

Bad choice for Starlord.

The right choice for Ron Swanson.

The right choice for Starlord.

Gamora was totally hot and uh... what was I thinking?

Gamora was totally hot and uh… what was I thinking?

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About Adaptive Curmudgeon

I will neither confirm nor deny that I actually exist.
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5 Responses to Guardians Of The Galaxy

  1. Joe in PNG says:

    And perhaps the best soundtrack since “Pulp Fiction”.

  2. planedoc says:

    AC, I’ve worked through all your posts. Since day one…..

    For better or worse, you inspired me to create my own blog, and post the things I’d been writing and sending to family and friends.

    Thanks (I think….)

  3. Doctor Mingo says:

    Redheads ( I mean hot blue bald chicks with weaponry) are my kryptonite.

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