A Christmas Movie Recommendation You’re Invited To Ignore

I refrain from recommending movies. Partly because most movies are shit. Partly because my taste in cinema, so I’ve been told, is… appalling.

I have a friend for whom I have recommended three movies; Brazil, The Road, and Idiocracy. He swears my advice left him baffled, depressed, and stupid. He implores me to refrain from suggesting any movie to anyone ever again. I promised to add his caution. His exact words were “don’t do it.” You’ve been warned.

That said I’d like to recommend a “Christmas Horror” movie. It’s a Finnish “independent” movie called Rare Exports. It’s free on Netflix.

Good points (no spoilers ensue):

  • It is a horror movie in the classic “scary thing lurking around the corner” style. I think the tension is ramped up just right. If “horror” to you means “exploding spleens bouncing off the lens” you’ll be disappointed.
  • There is nudity and it’s not the good kind. If the nudity in this movie turns you on, burn your computer and lock yourself in the basement.
  • It is foreign. Which is awesome. Because it’s Finnish and the Finnish are bitchin’ cool.
  • There isn’t a single expensive Hollywood actor. Because of this the acting is pretty good.
  • This movie was not excreted by Hollywood’s cubicle bound masses of bean counters and focus groups. Thus love interests and lefty propaganda weren’t shoehorned where they don’t belong.
  • Absolutely no superheroes are involved. Thank God.
  • Everyone in the movie is armed all the time, including the children!

Some caveats:

  • It’s a horror movie. If you want Shakespeare why are you reading my blog?
  • It’s not deep. Did I mention it’s a horror movie about Christmas? Seriously, you’re reading my blog, how much depth do you expect?
  • If you can’t abide rednecks (even Finnish ones) don’t watch. If you’re an anti-gun, anti-hunting, urbane militant vegan this movie will vaporize your skull. Then again why are you reading my blog?
  • If you hate subtitles you’d better be able to speak Finnish.
  • I think it’s a tame R. In my book it’s ok for a teenager; provided you’re not offended by nudity involving people who look like they’re homeless.  That’s your call and if your teenager becomes a serial killer or mime after watching it, it’s not my fault.
  • Some of the special effects aren’t great. They’re not key to the plot and it doesn’t detract from the movie. (Hint to Hollywood; special effects are not the substance of a damn movie!)
  • It’s campy and ridiculous. Did I mention it’s a horror movie about Christmas?

Here’s a trailer.

As my friend said, you were warned.

About Adaptive Curmudgeon

I will neither confirm nor deny that I actually exist.
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10 Responses to A Christmas Movie Recommendation You’re Invited To Ignore

  1. Joel says:

    That trailer is familiar. There were a couple of funny short subjects – Finnish, I think. Maybe Swedish – about catching and taming wild Santas. They were funny in a gory sort of way. I wonder if these are the same producers?

  2. ILTim says:

    Its a fantastic movie. I discovered it last year and having watched it again this year, I can safely call it a tradition now.

  3. AndyN says:

    I’d never heard of this movie until Christmas Eve when I was flipping through Netflix looking for something to occupy my mind while I wrapped presents. The only drawback was that I don’t speak Finnish, and while I don’t mind subtitles, gift wrapping went a bit slower than it would have if I wasn’t reading along.

    I don’t care what your friend says (okay, technically he’s right about The Road, but it’s supposed to be depressing) you’re batting 1.000 with movie recommendations in my book.

  4. I just watched this the other day on Danish TV. Finally a good movie! The Finns are awesome – in an inbred, illiterate & drunken sort of way.

  5. mothersmurfer says:

    I know Brazil is supposed to be a classic, but it’s too weird, even for me. The Road was terribly depressing, but taught me something about surviving a world-wrecking Event: I want to be at ground zero. Rare Exports is freakin’ great! We watched it last winter and all in my group loved it. I double-billed it with the Norwegian movie Trollhunter which is also not to be missed.

    • Brazil is weird but it has its own internal logic. I’ll have to look up Trollhunter.

      The Road is a superlative book and a fair movie. His writing reminded me on Hemingway. I think it’s a little unrealistic in terms of disasters for sound literary reasons. Even big bad events like Mount Saint Helens or Kiev Meltdown or nuclear blasts leave more stuff living than the book implied and the movie hinted. I think this was done to shift the narrative from “how does MacGuyver and his swiss army knife pull this off” to “how does one make peace with a hopeless situation”. Your mileage may vary.

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