Me: “Curmudgeon speaking. If you’re a telemarketer prepare to die.”
Friend: “I tried to call you earlier. What’s wrong with your cell?”
Me: “I was broke but I fixed it.”
Me: “I hit it with a screwdriver. It seems to be working again.”
Friend: “Have you noticed that it’s rather quiet lately?”
Me: “Yeah I have. I’ve had a lot less calls coming in lately. It’s been nice but I…”
I paused. The infernal cell phone had been extremely quiet and, moron that I am, I’d missed the obvious. I flipped it open. Dead…
Friend: “Have you figured out something?”
Me: “Dammit. The POS isn’t working!”
Friend: “It’s time for a replacement. How long have you had that phone?”
Me: “I dunno. Maybe twelve, thirteen years. It’s one of the last non-GPS phones. Got it for free. I’m gonna’ miss it.”
Friend: “Do we need a wake like when your station wagon died?”
Me: “That’s not funny. The station wagon was a good car.”
Friend: “I thought you were going to Wal-Mart to buy a replacement.”
Me: “I tried. But…”
Friend: “But what?”
Me: “It was Wal-Mart. So much stupid. It burns.”
Friend: “Sixty different phones and they didn’t have what you want?”
Me: “I’m particular. Plus I wanted pre-pay. They mostly deal in gadgets that are merely the physical point of contact for a cloud based payment plan.”
Friend: “Did you use that terminology at the store?”
Me: “Are you kidding? I might as well explain physics to my cat. However, I may have mentioned that I wouldn’t take on a monthly payment for something a silly as a phone if a supermodel begged me so I sure as hell wouldn’t do it for the turd in a shirt working the electronics counter.”
Friend: “This is why you should stay in the woods. But why fight it? There are people at Wal-Mart who’d use a payment plan for a candy bar.”
Me: “I didn’t fit in. So I left. Give me twenty minutes to solve this. The Internet will provide.”
(Twenty minutes later.) Ring. Ring.
Me (exhausted and mentally drained): “Hello. If you’re a telemarketer… Oh hell I’ll buy it.”
Friend: “So did you order a phone?”
Me: “I’m so embarrassed.”
Friend: “What did you do!”
Me: “I ordered a smart phone.”
Friend: “Bwa ha ha ha ha!”
Me: “Now I’m going to have to buy hipster glasses and start eating gluten free bread.”
Friend: “Throughout history there have been turning points; the battle of Thermopylae, the fall of Rome, the siege of Stalingrad…”
Friend: “The battle is over and now you have a smart phone.”
Me: “There were so many choices. I…”
Friend: “I suppose you got Obama to pay for it?”
Me: “Hey now! Line. Cross. Don’t.”
Friend: “OK I take the last part back. How much did you pay?”
Me: (Choking up…) “Almost a hundred bucks…”
Friend: “That’s nothing. Don’t you drop that much on a tank of fuel for your truck?”
Me: “Yeah, but the truck does work.”
Friend: “A hundred bucks… for a lot of people that’s a monthly phone bill. Be glad you don’t have to foot the bill for a teenage daughter.”
Me: “I am thankful for that every day.”
Friend: “I’m just glad you’re not on the roof doing semaphore.”
Me: “Semaphore has its points. I even considered HAM radio. But…”
Friend: “…but resistance is futile!”
Me: “I agree. Now I’m in the market for a Faraday cage phone case.”
Friend: “The NSA is not going to like that.”
Me: “I sure liked it more when spying on citizens was just a theory.”
Friend: “Get with the program; load up Facebook, keep the GPS on, Twitter hourly….”
Me: “I miss my old phone.”
Friend: “…take lots of shitty blurry pictures and post them. Start creating a running log of your every moment so that it’s all stored on the NSA’s cloud. Anthony Weiner could give you some social networking tips.”
Friend: “Sure sure, Mr. Off grid. Are you going to post this on your blog?”
Me: “I’m doomed aren’t I?”
Friend: “Yep. It was a good last stand but it’s over now.”
Friend: “By the way, did you keep the same number?”
Friend: “You going to tell me the new one?”
Friend: “No worries. Caller ID will out you!”
Friend: “The new world order is going to be interesting. Join the crowd.”
Me: “I give up.”
Friend: “Everyone does. Good luck now.”
About the best post ever to read on a Monday morning. Thank you. Good luck with the new phone.
I am not exactly the best person to talk to about cell phones. I still use a prepaid phone, and accumulate more minutes every time I buy another three months service, not having managed to talk through the previous minutes. I am reluctant to spend over $8 per month for what is basically something to call the ambulance with when I have need.
Heck, I just three years ago moved on from the ‘candy bar’ Nokia that had served me so faithfully, right up until the moment it fell out of my coat pocket and I ran over it with the Jeep. It was tough, but not tough enough.
I know lots of people with smart phones, but it doesn’t seem to have rubbed off on them so far. Must take longer to soak in.
I don’t HAVE a cell phone. On the other hand, I DO have an iPad, so the State can probably track me. But random strangers can’t call me on an iPad.
One of the best blog post reads I’ve had in a while and…
we are truly effed.
I laugh so I don’t cry.
How is the cat, by the way? Still the murder machine it was originally sold as?
I’ve been meaning to write about the cat… eventually.
Great post. I feel your pain. I am not looking forward to the day my old dumb clamshell phone dies.
Look at the bright side. You can put a nice ballistics program on that cell phone. Your long range accuracy should improve. 🙂
If I ponder the idea of using ballistics software on a NSA monitored tracking device my tinfoil hat will burst into flames.
Look on the bright side, with the NSA running your phone, when you ask your ballistics program for “Zero” it’ll know who you mean…