A Phone Discussion About Phones

Ring. Ring.

Me: “Curmudgeon speaking.  If you’re a telemarketer prepare to die.”

Friend: “I tried to call you earlier.  What’s wrong with your cell?”

Me: “I was broke but I fixed it.”

Friend: “Fixed?”

Me: “I hit it with a screwdriver.  It seems to be working again.”

Friend: “Have you noticed that it’s rather quiet lately?”

Me: “Yeah I have.  I’ve had a lot less calls coming in lately.  It’s been nice but I…”

I paused.  The infernal cell phone had been extremely quiet and, moron that I am, I’d missed the obvious.  I flipped it open.  Dead…

Friend: “Have you figured out something?”

Me: “Dammit.  The POS isn’t working!”

Friend: “It’s time for a replacement.  How long have you had that phone?”

Me: “I dunno.  Maybe twelve, thirteen years.  It’s one of the last non-GPS phones.  Got it for free.  I’m gonna’ miss it.”

Friend: “Do we need a wake like when your station wagon died?”

Me: “That’s not funny.  The station wagon was a good car.”

Friend: “I thought you were going to Wal-Mart to buy a replacement.”

Me: “I tried.  But…”

Friend: “But what?”

Me: “It was Wal-Mart.  So much stupid.  It burns.”

Friend: “Sixty different phones and they didn’t have what you want?”

Me: “I’m particular.  Plus I wanted pre-pay.  They mostly deal in gadgets that are merely the physical point of contact for a cloud based payment plan.”

Friend: “Did you use that terminology at the store?”

Me:  “Are you kidding?  I might as well explain physics to my cat.  However, I may have mentioned that I wouldn’t take on a monthly payment for something a silly as a phone if a supermodel begged me so I sure as hell wouldn’t do it for the turd in a shirt working the electronics counter.”

Friend: “This is why you should stay in the woods.  But why fight it?  There are people at Wal-Mart who’d use a payment plan for a candy bar.”

Me: “I didn’t fit in.  So I left.  Give me twenty minutes to solve this.  The Internet will provide.”


(Twenty minutes later.)  Ring. Ring.

Me (exhausted and mentally drained): “Hello.  If you’re a telemarketer…  Oh hell I’ll buy it.”

Friend: “So did you order a phone?”

Me: “I’m so embarrassed.”

Friend: “What did you do!”

Me: “I ordered a smart phone.”

Friend: “Bwa ha ha ha ha!”

Me: “Now I’m going to have to buy hipster glasses and start eating gluten free bread.”

Friend: “Throughout history there have been turning points; the battle of Thermopylae, the fall of Rome, the siege of Stalingrad…”

Me: “Aaack…”

Friend: “The battle is over and now you have a smart phone.”

Me: “There were so many choices.  I…”

Friend: “I suppose you got Obama to pay for it?”

Me: “Hey now!  Line.  Cross.  Don’t.”

Friend: “OK I take the last part back.  How much did you pay?”

Me: (Choking up…) “Almost a hundred bucks…”

Friend: “That’s nothing.  Don’t you drop that much on a tank of fuel for your truck?”

Me: “Yeah, but the truck does work.”

Friend: “A hundred bucks… for a lot of people that’s a monthly phone bill.  Be glad you don’t have to foot the bill for a teenage daughter.”

Me: “I am thankful for that every day.”

Friend: “I’m just glad you’re not on the roof doing semaphore.”

Me: “Semaphore has its points.  I even considered HAM radio.  But…”

Friend: “…but resistance is futile!”

Me: “I agree.  Now I’m in the market for a Faraday cage phone case.”

Friend: “The NSA is not going to like that.”

Me: “I sure liked it more when spying on citizens was just a theory.”

Friend: “Get with the program; load up Facebook, keep the GPS on, Twitter hourly….”

Me: “I miss my old phone.”

Friend: “…take lots of shitty blurry pictures and post them.  Start creating a running log of your every moment so that it’s all stored on the NSA’s cloud.  Anthony Weiner could give you some social networking tips.”

Me: “Shaddup!”

Friend: “Sure sure, Mr. Off grid.  Are you going to post this on your blog?”

Me: “I’m doomed aren’t I?”

Friend: “Yep.  It was a good last stand but it’s over now.”

Me: (Sighing…)

Friend: “By the way, did you keep the same number?”

Me: “No.”

Friend: “You going to tell me the new one?”

Me: “No.”

Friend: “No worries.  Caller ID will out you!”

Me: “Dammit!”

Friend: “The new world order is going to be interesting.  Join the crowd.”

Me: “I give up.”

Friend: “Everyone does. Good luck now.”


About Adaptive Curmudgeon

I will neither confirm nor deny that I actually exist.
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10 Responses to A Phone Discussion About Phones

  1. About the best post ever to read on a Monday morning. Thank you. Good luck with the new phone.

  2. razorbacker says:

    I am not exactly the best person to talk to about cell phones. I still use a prepaid phone, and accumulate more minutes every time I buy another three months service, not having managed to talk through the previous minutes. I am reluctant to spend over $8 per month for what is basically something to call the ambulance with when I have need.

    Heck, I just three years ago moved on from the ‘candy bar’ Nokia that had served me so faithfully, right up until the moment it fell out of my coat pocket and I ran over it with the Jeep. It was tough, but not tough enough.

    I know lots of people with smart phones, but it doesn’t seem to have rubbed off on them so far. Must take longer to soak in.

  3. cspschofield says:

    I don’t HAVE a cell phone. On the other hand, I DO have an iPad, so the State can probably track me. But random strangers can’t call me on an iPad.

  4. kx59 says:

    One of the best blog post reads I’ve had in a while and…
    we are truly effed.
    I laugh so I don’t cry.

  5. RogerC says:

    How is the cat, by the way? Still the murder machine it was originally sold as?

  6. PJ says:

    Great post. I feel your pain. I am not looking forward to the day my old dumb clamshell phone dies.

    Look at the bright side. You can put a nice ballistics program on that cell phone. Your long range accuracy should improve. 🙂

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