Recent shenanigans with my tractor have hammered my back to death.  That got me thinking of chiropractors.  I’m of the opinion that some chiropractors are voodoo quacks and others miracle workers (provided your injury falls within their bailiwick).  The quacks annoy me but I’ll throw cash at the good ones if it can hasten recovery from whatever dumbass thing I’ve done.  Further, I’m of the opinion that yoga is an entirely logical physical fitness trend; of which I want no part.

I once had a chiropractor who was great.  Conversations went like this:

Me: “Hi doc.”

Good Chiropractor (Sighing): “Hello Curmudgeon.  So what’s the problem this time?”

Me: “Well I took a tumble on a talus slope last week…”

Good Chiropractor: “…And you show up now?”

Me: “It doesn’t hurt too bad, so I just sorta’ ignored it.  But now I cramp up when I’m riding my motorcycle.”

Good Chiropractor: “So stay off it a few days.”

Me: “Well I’ve got a big trip coming up and I don’t want to crap out mid-ride.”

Good Chiropractor: “Alright,  Hang tight while I do something terribly unnatural to your hip.”  Snap. Crackle? Pop!

Me: “Hey that’s awesome.  Well done.”

Good Chiropractor: “That’s going to hurt a bit tomorrow but the next day you should be ready for a full day’s ride.”

Me: “Um…”

Good Chiropractor looks out the window.  “Is that your motorcycle parked out front?”

Me (sheepishly): “Yeah.”

Good Chiropractor: “It appears packed for a trip.”

Me: “I’m leaving from here.”

Good Chiropractor: “Have I explained the theory of preventative medicine…”

Me: “Yep, you told me all about it after the sky diving incident.”

Good Chiropractor: “There are easier ways to get a t-shirt.”

Me: “My wife might have mentioned something similar.”

Good Chiropractor (sighing): “You’re going to ride all day? You might feel some discomfort.”

Me: “I’ll be on the road for two weeks.  Lets hope it’s only discomfort.  I can live with a little pain. You want a postcard from Virginia?”

Good Chiropractor: “Shall I book you for when you return.  After the bike has pulverized your spine?”

Me: “Of course.”

<Two weeks later>

Me: “Hi doc.”

Good Chiropractor: “My God you’re here?  Look at the weather!  I was going to close the office.”

Me: “It’s definitely nasty out there.  I think there’s a tornado watch.”

Good Chiropractor: “You’re soaked!”

Me: “No shit.  I just rode in.  Crossed the state line at dawn.  You should have seen the wrecked semi on the pass.”

Good Chiropractor: “I suppose your back is sore from the ride?”

Me: “Not much at all.  I think you did wonders.”

Good Chiropractor (beaming): “Well thank you…”

Me: “On the other hand my ankle…”

Good Chiropractor (sighing): “What did you do?”

Me: “There was a mechanical bull.  It’s harder than it looks.”

Good Chiropractor (sighing): “When I speak about preventative medicine I’m suggesting that sometimes you should refrain from…”

Me: “Check out the t-shirt I got!”

Good Chiropractor: “I give up.”

Me: “Don’t do that!”

Good Chiropractor: “Why?”

Me: “Elk hunting season is just around the corner…”

He was great.  I think he’d spent too much time dealing with whining desk jockeys and was a bit frustrated with um… “adventurous”… patients, but he was darned good.  Who says I don’t appreciate modern medicine?

Compare that to a lame chiropractor I once hired:

Lame Chiropractor: “Isn’t the music nice?  I have brie in the lobby.”

Me: “I got a huge deal on milsurp ammo.  Had a blast over the weekend but I think I should have called it quits after 200 rounds.  My shoulder is mush.”

Lame Chiropractor: “I’ll adjust your chi.  Why is your shoulder covered in bruises?”

Me: “Mosin Nagant, recoil, you know the story.”

Lame Chiropractor: “Is that a sports car?  I drive a Camry.”

Me: “While you’re at it my right leg is a bit tweaked.”

Lame Chiropractor: “Ha ha… From golfing I’ll bet.  I see that a lot.  Seriously, what’s a Mosin.”

Me: “The leg is from logging.  Scored some free trees after the blowdown!”

Lame Chiropractor: “Chainsaws are dangerous.  Let me light some candles.”

Me: “Candles?”

Lame Chiropractor: “Aromatherapy.”

Me: “Unless you’ve got the gentle smells of cordite and diesel, spare me.”

Lame Chiropractor: “Perhaps you should try Yoga.”

Me: “Yoga!  Can you refer me to another chiropractor?”

Lame Chiropractor: “I knew the pine candle wouldn’t suit you.  I’m so sorry.”

<After referral>

Me: “Hi doc.”

Sports Medicine Guy: “What’s the problem?”

Me: “I overworked a bit and my wrist is killing me.”

Sports Medicine Guy: “You’re walking ok.  How old are you?  The way you walk tells me you don’t play hockey.”

Me: “I don’t play hockey.”

Sports Medicine Guy: “Pussy!”

Me: “I’m here from chainsaw injury?  Isn’t that enough?”

Sports Medicine Guy: “That ‘aint an injury.  You got got tired.  Keep the saw time down to six hours a day.  You’re too old for twelve.  Got it genius?”

Me: “Ok.  Should I wear a wrist brace or something?”

Sports Medicine Guy checks out wrist. “Nah.  You’re fine.  Walk it off.”

Me: “Do you recommend Yoga?”

Sports Medicine Guy: “Yoga?!?  Are you shitting me!  If you want to wear a leotard that’s your business but don’t involve me.”

Me: “Should I stretch before exercise?”

Sports Medicine Guy: “Of course, but I know your type and you won’t.”

Me: “I’ll be back.”

Sports Medicine Guy: “Of course you will.  Suck it up and you’ll be fine in a week.”

Me: “Bye.”

Sports Medicine Guy: “Keep yer’ stick on the ice.”

About Adaptive Curmudgeon

I will neither confirm nor deny that I actually exist.
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1 Response to Chiropractors

  1. zinger3006 says:

    I’m laughing so hard I could hardly log in. After many years of “adjustments” I think you hit the nail on the head. Well ddone.

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