Curmudgeonly Assistance With Social Engineering; Part 2

The homework bullshit at hand was a call and response exercise about “Disagreeing Respectfully”. Apparently science, math, art, and literature, isn’t enough and the mandate of school is implied to involve “Respectful Disagreement”? I disagree! Furthermore I do not disagree in any manner which could be construed as respectful.

We were supposed to read a line of dialogue and submit alternate more respectful verbiage. The kid began warbling something like “perhaps we can find common ground…”

“Seriously?” I said. “Have you ever said that in your whole life?”

The kid blinked. “Well no, it’s just for the assignment.”

“What is?” I asked rhetorically, “speaking like an unemployed psychologist?”

The kid looked nervous.

“Let’s have fun!” I started.

“First of all,” I began, “if you’re sending a message to an unworthy yahoo who’s annoying you, the signature is key. Do you know who ‘John Hancock’ is?”

“The guy who signed the Declaration real big?” She asked, clearly not seeing a connection.

“Exactly! When someone wants you to do something stupid you should always remember the founding fathers.” The kid looked puzzled. “John Hancock told the most powerful man on earth that he and his whole military could kiss his colonial ass. That’s what it means to be an American!” I signed ‘John Friggin’ Hancock’ on the top of the page. The kid looked around for her mother. Too late! I was on a roll!

“The text refers to anchovies. Too boring. Let’s substitute snail darters.”

“What?” The kid asked?

“Snail darters. They’re a fish that is a sort of a word association between eco-groupies and the Endangered Species Act.”

“Um…” The kid looked nervous.

“All elementary school teachers are secretly in love with Rachel Carson and have a Pavlovian response to snail darters. Especially if we propose to eat them.” I was on a roll.

“Er… I don’t think she’s into fish.” The kid tried to explain.

“Does your teacher think all the polar bears are dying?” I asked.

The kid brightened. “Yes, she said something about that.”

“Well your teacher is wrong.” The kid looked shocked. I was still talking “…and anybody dumb enough to think the top predator of the Arctic cares if you drive a Prius will know what a Snail Darter is.”

I glanced at the next line. “I think you need to work in some quotes from Monty Python.”

“You mean the king guy with the coconuts?” The kid was desperately trying to figure out what was happening.

“Yes! You’re a smart kid. That’s the best place to begin a career of finding pompous losers and kicking them in the proverbial groin. Watch lots of Monty Python.”

By now I had scribbled all over the paper and the kid, despite misgivings, was joining in. Ten minutes later we had jointly composed an essay which was so sarcastic that the paper was practically smoking.

Sadly, mom showed up and realized her little angel was squeaking excitedly and shouting “No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!”

The kid had taken the initiative. “It definitely needs more violence…” the kid was saying. I agreed. Mom was glaring at me.

Mom snatched it up and our work of brilliance was crumpled up and tossed in the trash. Apparently mom wants her kid to ride out another year before finally realizing it’s all a farce. The kid was sad to see the paper go but probably relieved that she wouldn’t have to hand it in.

After they hustled out I grabbed the paper, smoothed it out, and ran it through my scanner. It was a messy copy so I re-typed the illegible responses. Here, for those of you who loathe social engineering in elementary school, I present “Disagreeing Vociferously with Archaic Verbiage”:

The best elementary school essay of the year.

I do not think I will be asked to help with homework again.

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About Adaptive Curmudgeon

I will neither confirm nor deny that I actually exist.
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19 Responses to Curmudgeonly Assistance With Social Engineering; Part 2

  1. aczarnowski says:

    Sniff. That’s beautiful.

  2. joe doaks says:

    This, this I like! Despite the glaring lack of farting or elderberries.

  3. Phil B says:

    I ad to read to the end for the kicker – the paper is published by the “Committee for Children”.

    Lordy, Lordy! How has the human race managed to muddle through let alone survive and thrive without the benevolent guidance of the Committee for Children since 2011? Surely the future is bright now that children are under the care and scrutiny of the Committee for Children to shape and form their thought processes …

    I think that those three words (Committee for Children) are the most chilling in the entire document.

  4. NotClauswitz says:

    Epic in Truth! The Academics shall rot in a hellish dungeon of Entropy!

  5. julie says:

    Miss 11 would have handed it in ..
    Brilliant work!!!

  6. MaxDamage says:

    I, for one, cannot wait for my eldest to start school next year. For years it’s been my opinion that the only qualification needed to teach school was having graduated from it. Now I get to take on a school system that believes laptops and some new method of teaching math is all the ticket.

    I cannot wait to hear just how this new method of teaching is superior to the methods used to teach Pythagorus, Archimedes, Da Vinci, and perhaps even Paul Lockhart. Perhaps by next year they will have graduates with some accomplishments to show for their efforts?

    Nah….

    – Max

  7. That, sir, was awesome.

  8. Kevin Baker says:

    Will you teach my grandkids algebra? Please?

  9. Doubletrouble says:

    Now THERE’S a man who knows how to help with homework…

  10. perlhaqr says:

    Have at thee!

  11. Joe in PNG says:

    The more I read the homework, the more a rather disturbing picture comes into view:
    1- the actors arene labeled “adult & child”, not “parents/caregiver & child”. This seems to indicate that the two are not related.
    2- The utter lack of culinary skill on the adult’s part points to an unmarried male, one that likely threw some cans of stuff together and called it a casserole.
    3- note also the lack of knowledge of what the child likes and doesn’t like.
    Conclusion: this is not a parent trying to get a child to eat. This is a kidnapper forcing his victim to dine on the limited food in the safe house while awaiting ransom!

  12. Billll says:

    The kid is right. It needs more violence.

  13. Probably the best learning experience that child has gotten. Well done sir!

  14. Doctor Mingo says:

    Thank Gaia, that no red pen was used.

  15. PJ says:

    I hope she learned how fun it was to poke pins into pomposity. Best education ever!

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