I woke up feeling evil because morning. The day got modestly brighter when I got to my favorite coffee shop because caffeine. Then it turned sentimental because kid.
I started by perusing the news. Every few days I review things in case there has been actual, you know, news. Things have been largely news free for a few years but I still keep an eye out. Coffee in hand, I picked up a random newspaper and read.
My review: Are Republicans still spineless toads who’d sell their grandma’s kidney if they got another term in office? Check. Are Democrats still manipulative jackoffs who’d throw a Republican’s grandma into a woodchipper if it got them closer to their unattainable imaginary Utopia? Check. Is the president still a narcissistic emperor with no clothes surfing on the reflected dreams of folks who are often accomplishment free? Check. Is America’s debt still the largest ever experienced in the entire history of mankind? Check.
I continued with the financial section. Unemployment was reported as “unexpectedly” high. I chuckled. Bad news is always “unexpected” so long as the letter after the president is “D”. The last president’s letter was “R” so when unemployment peaked at 7.2% the press informed us it was the end of life as we know it. The current occupant’s letter is “D” and unemployment has been over 8% for 43 consecutive months. The press calls this a “slow recovery”. How awesome is that? Is reporting of unemployment still bullshit? Check. I looked at the price of gold. Check. I read an article about inflation. Do official inflation figures contradict the experience of anyone who has bought anything anywhere? Check.
I flipped to the sports page. Lance Armstrong took drugs? I searched my dusty memory banks. Isn’t he the guy that rode a bicycle and had his nuts fall off? Didn’t he retire like twenty years ago and who cares about bicycles? If I designed bicycles they’d be equipped with powerful engines that generate serious adrenaline. Also they would be called motorcycles. Hello everyone, the Industrial Revolution is calling on line four! Some redneck in the arctic says he can outrun the studliest bicycle racer on earth with a Dodge carrying two tons of oak. He says he’ll outperform the entire Olympic bicycle team while blaring Metallica and swigging a big gulp (banned in New York).
The Oprah thing baffled me. What’s a one nut bicycle rider got to do with Oprah? She couldn’t ride a bicycle around the block. I’ll never understand sports.
I assumed the press had dusted off their articles about Barry Bonds and were doing a search and replace with words like baseball, bicycle, testicle, and (inexplicably) Oprah. I called that one a “check” and prepared for the big plunge.
I knew the front page would have some sort of distraction; the more unrelated to the economy the better. I took a big breath before turning to it. Gun control, gay marriage, and the local municipality is building another white elephant with “free” State and Federal funds. Check, check, and check.
Clearly the world was behaving exactly as predicted. Rut or groove? Take your pick.
I was out of coffee and shambled to the counter to get more.
This is when my day changed…
Makes one understand how Cassandra felt.
Thanks letting me know what was going on in the news, if you want to call it that, since I also try to avoid it at all costs. Especially since there wasn’t a mention in your article that the newspaper even hinted about the Americans in Algeria.
I compare all hostage crisis handling to Peru in 1997. In 1997 the Japanese embassy was seized by terrorists. Fourteen terrorists had 72 hostages. There was some dithering and negotiation that lead to nothing. Finally Peru dropped the hammer like Thor with an attitude. It was a totally brutal surprise attack. In 40 minutes all 14 terrorists were dead. Sadly, one hostage died. 98% hostage survival rate and 100% dead bad guy rate. Jimmy Carter was not consulted. That’s how it’s done!
“Rut or groove? Take your pick”
It’s a groovy rut, daddy-o!
I’ve decided even the stupidest news becomes modestly entertaining when you read it with a beatnik accent. Sort of like how everything Austin Powers said sounded really hip and fun, no matter how banal the subject.
I feel pretty good knowing that I have as many legitimate Tour De France wins as Lance and twice as many balls.