I wrote earlier that negative advertising had changed (or at least influenced) my decision making process. A sack of dull I’ll refer to as Candidate A has opponents who are determined to bury my house in negative advertising. I can really support a guy who’s managed to piss off entrenched interests so completely.
Today my mailbox had another metric ton of political blather. Two were political that were positive. Excellent! Here they are (I might be paraphrasing):
“I’m candidate A and I’m awesome. I ran my own business and got filthy stinking rich. Then it bored me so I took up a new hobby of defeating incumbents and hammering the shit out of everyone who wants tax dollars. I’m also trying to come up with a numberset that will allow me to cut taxes while still balancing the budget. Math is hard but I’m sure it has to do with division by zero. Vote for me and you won’t get a damn thing from the government. Also your taxes will only go up if they tear out my beating heart and stab it with a pen full of red ink.”
“I’m candidate C and I’m more awesome than the other guy. I’m going to get your town more money for schools and stuff. Unicorns will pay for it. Math is easy. You just pretend that what you want to be true… is. Also I’m going to shit on private schools and home schoolers because fuck them!”
How’s that for the democratic process? Each candidate got sear words in my eyes and try and convince me. Good for them. Candidate A promises damn near nothing… which is an attainable goal. Candidate C is offering free crack and magic. Well played gentlemen. Candidate C; you lose and thank you for playing.
But the mailbox wasn’t done. There were four more ads and they were all negative:
“Candidate A refused to raise taxes last summer so our spending on roads was delayed. He blows goats!”
“We’re cops and Candidate A cut funding for our cool crime fighting gear. He’s obviously trying to get you robbed and beaten by hordes of maniacal criminal masterminds who have turned to mayhem specifically because us noble cops lack enough cool stuff. Did we mention we’re cops? We’re totally bitching cool. Also if we don’t get our stuff you clueless hayseeds are going to be attacked by the Russian Mob tonight.”
“We’re hospitals and you’re going to die now. You’re going to die because Candidate A didn’t give us more unicorn money. You deserve ass cancer for that! I hope you’re happy. You useless piece of shit.”
“This is the cops again. Remember us, the awesome studs that keep you from getting attacked by space pirates? We demanded more crime stuff and Candidate A wouldn’t spend the money. That bastard! We’re going to hold our breath and stamp our feet until you give it to us. Also we’re going to give you a ticket for not wearing a seatbelt, swearing in front of puppies, and swimming within one hour after eating. Also did we mention we’re cops and totally non-political so you can trust us completely. You wouldn’t want your car towed would you?”
Me doth think they protest too much.
I have revised my earlier support for candidate A. I’m was going to vote for him. Now I’m going to build a shrine to him.
Brilliant, I shall endeavor to duplicate your process with the steaming pile of sh*t I get everyday.
I’m waiting for the ad where Candidate C tells you they want to use unicorn money to put in new green technology ‘telescreens’ so the hospitals can make sure you’re eating healthy and exercising properly…
I am reminded, for some reason, of the old Toonerville Trolley comic about “the laziest man in three counties”, who stymied the assorted ‘get out the vote’ pests by saying he would vote against the candidate of whichever bunch insisted on hauling him to the polls….
Hey, if Candidate A loses, send him to us. We’ll find him a job. Governor, maybe.
Most excellent post of the day!
Of course, this is replicated in virtually every county in the country.
Reblogged this on A Reasonable Life and commented:
Thank you for saying it all so well, I couldn’t find the words. – HT
Hell, at this point, defunding the police would be the most cost effective crime reduction possible.
That’s beautiful man! I vote for A, because it IS possible to do nothing, and in politics nothing works better than nothing!
When you have completed the shrine, please post directions.
I will be planning a pilgrimage there.
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Naw; don’t build a shrine. That’s idolatry. It’s a part of what got us into this mess.