Until recently the world was a better place. This is because I did not own Crocs.
I was (apparently) the last human on earth to hold out against them. Aside from me, they were everywhere. Even Curmudgeon Compound been infiltrated. The only two members of the household without a pair were me and the dog.
Then, tragically, my most recent set of “cheapskate moccasin” slippers was declared a Superfund site and banned from the house. Did you know that it’s pretty rough on slippers to wear them across the snow to the chicken coop? Ah… life has so many lessons to impart.
At any rate I now have Crocs. Their camouflage design does nothing to cover the fact that I’m a lesser man for it. The worst part is that they feel pretty good. Ugh…did I just say that?
“But”, said I, “I shall never be seen in public with Crocs.” For this was a slippery slope from which there was no recovery.
You know where this is going don’t you? After the Crocs were in the house for several months there came a time of weakness. I was ill. I was missing a day of work and royally pissed off about it. I was also starving and in no mood to face whatever I (being a bad cook) would serve myself. I limped out of the house and made my way to the nearest cafe where I could drown my sorrows in half a pot of hot tea and whatever else I could keep down. Hey, I was desperate!
Only after I was already served did I realize I was wearing them. In public! How appalling!
Then a few months later I watched The Dictator. Satire is the home of truth. The horrible fact was delivered by the gentle hand of a Sasha Cohen script.
“You’re wearing crocs!?!”
“Crocs are a sign of a man who has given up. Next you will be wearing sweatpants and spending your nights at Applebees!”
Yes. It is true. I have not yet succumbed to Applebees but I know the day of reckoning is nigh. Sometimes you cannot avoid fate.
I have never been tempted by Crocs because I am a sweaty-person, prone to hot feet, and need both socks and shoe material that will wick moisture away and forestall trench-foot.
Not sure the grey carpet-slippers I favor are a sartorial improvement, though.
Funny- I came THIS CLOSE to buying a pair Saturday. Seemed sensible for wet cruddy work in the garden w/out donning boots.
But, I couldn’t do it. I’ll have to stick w/my threadbare mocs with the split, leaky soles.
The darn things can be addictive, just don’t leave them in a hot car — they end up a couple sizes smaller! I started wearing them (but not at work) a few years after I was diagnosed with some chronic pain/arthritis problems. They really helped reduce the pain by absorbing a lot of the skeletal shock. The only thing that saved me from the CROCs are Teva sandals — more arch support and I don’t keep stubbing them on the tile floors like I did with the clunkier CROCs. Welcome to the world of liberated feet!
P.S. I’ve worn them off and on for about 8 years, but still don’t wear sweat pants or eat at Applebee’s. Don’t despair — it’s not a hard and fast path of decline!
This process can be reversed.
Walk around town wearing Redwing steel-toe workboots with cutoff denim shorts.
Don’t forget the tube socks with racing stripes pulled halfway up the calf.
You’ll be alright.
Have you been spying on my wardrobe? How did you know?
OMG – He does sport that look most of the time! With a t-shirt that advertises a gun company, the NRA, or tequila 🙂 Right on the nose MSgt B!
we’ve held out against crocs here … only one slight blimp happened when my girls where given a pair from the kid next door – but they were too small and were quickly dispatched ….
That’s a shame. I hope next time you found bigger girls that didn’t need to be dispatched so abruptly.
I feel it strangely necessary and justified at this point to gloat that there are no crocs in the Nerd Ranch, even among the distaff member’s shoe collection. And not only that, but I do believe LabRat would hold me at gunpoint until I confessed to being a pod person should their notion be entertained even briefly. Sorry, but it’s a Monday off to a shitty start, and I need to take what I can get.
Say it ain’t So! – and you said this out loud in Publik! Lordy, lordy.
Hey, if you go to Applebees, order the Croc meal. After all, crocodile tastes like chicken! I know!
Hopefully you won’t sink into “stretchy” pants like Nacho Libre. That is really closing in on the bottom of the sea….
I used to have some spare boots I could send you, but they are back in rotation for yard / mechanic work. Good luck.
No need for ugly Crocs when Olu-Kai flip-flops are so much more refined and better on your feet – the illusion of toe-protection can be fatal.
Flip flops?!? Dear Lord strike me down now!