The Car We Were Forced To Build

Note: I wrote this post several weeks ago but didn't post it.
I figured the Volt was on life support and I don't watch T.V.
commercials so I'd let it go.  Then NPR did an interview with
a G.M. head honcho which featured this commercial's soundtrack.
It was the only station I could listen to and they inflicted
their crap on my truck's stereo.  Game on!  (I also noted that
an entire program with the GM head honcho was 100% politics and if cars do not require ENGINEERING.  If you are
talking cars I'd better hear words like "horsepower" and "piston"
early and often.  I didn't hear that so I call bullshit!)

An informant A reader send me a link to the Volt’s commercial.  Watch it and you’ll be embarrassed to be in the same room with that level of saccharine bullshit. 

It makes me cringe.  It’s dour propaganda from behind the iron curtain in 1978.  The ad appeals to our patriotic duty to buy it and imposes guilt and obligation.  It implies we must buy a Volt or poor people in a little town in Michigan won’t have jobs.  As if you might make little Timmy starve in his crib if you happen to buy a Ford Focus.  It’s drab and uninspiring.

You never actually see a Volt move under it’s own power.  You scarcely see one fully assembled.  You don’t see it scooting down an actual road.  You never see a smiling driver at the wheel.  God forbid someone buy a Volt because they want one.  There is nothing there to indicate anyone anywhere would simply drive it as a choice and not a duty.  There are no squealing tires, no beautiful back lit close shots of the car, no sweeping vistas with a road heading for the horizon, no snappy theme.

They don’t mention notable awesome features; good grief it’s the only electric car on planet earth and they don’t mention that it’s electric?  What about a smirking driver cruising past the suddenly unnecessary gas station?  What about zipping your electric car past some schlub standing in the rain pumping gas?  What about sexy women (or men) who want you because of your car?  What about humor?  Just guilt and malaise.  It’s an ad to send food to starving Ethiopians with Ethiopia scratched out and Michigan pasted in.

The tagline is that “it’s the car that America had to build”.  Oh dear God…it’s a car that allows me to never ever buy gasoline again and they can’t even sell that?  Just “we had to build it”?  Because what, because the Kremlin ordered it?

You have to build this car. You have no option!

I submit that even things you must do for the sake of the country needn’t be dour unpleasant tasks.  Check this out:

There will be no whining while Rosie the Riveter is watching. Muscle up and kick the Axis Powers until they're weeping in the gutter.

That’s right.  Rosie here is not worried about jobs…she’s got one.  Toughing up to kick ass.  Go Rosie!

How about this:

You want food? Pick up a damn shovel and make it.

And for turning the dial to eleven I refer to this…an older one from World War I:

The Boy Scouts have provided this Godlike person all the weaponry needed to DOMINATE. (Also check out the writing on the sword.)

What I’m saying here is not that it’s bitchin’ cool to rivet bombers, grow turnips, and buy questionable bonds…what I’m saying is that if you want to appeal to me to make a sacrifice you’re not going to do it with puppy dog eyes and weeping about union welders in Hamtrack Michigan.  Tell me that I can be awesome.  Tell me I should be awesome.  Then get the hell out of the way.

We’re Americans, up until recently we had balls of steel and everyone knew it.  We had a whole society built around the ideal of adapting, growing, and prospering.  Buying a lame-ass car because it’ll employ someone is an eastern European ideal.  The Russians had the Lada…we did not and we build Cadillacs and huge trucks.  Because that’s what we wanted and we had the cash to buy it.  Americans looked at cars and thought “I want more horsepower”; every single year for a century.  We know there is nothing noble about driving shit.

Americans shouldn’t be buying anything just to make a fake job…that’s not our game.

Talk of a car as if it were an obligation is un-American.  Cars are wings and freedom and sex and machinery and excitement all rolled into a device that just happens to get you to work in the morning.  Cars you endure come from the Soviets.  Americans don’t endure…we overcome.

Note too that we are programmed to overcome through sheer awesomeness.  Moping around is for losers.  Rosie the Riveter wasn’t whining about her boyfriend on the Western Front; she was building bombs to send up the Furher’s ass so he could get home and they could get busy creating the Baby Boom.  The farmer wasn’t grousing about tilling the backyard; he was going to feed the family even Europe was trench warfare from horizon to horizon.  And last but not least, I don’t know precisely who or what entity that Scout has equipped but you’re looking at something one unleashes upon our enemies…not a diplomat bound for negotiations.

Where is that energy in the Volt commercial?

Dammit it could happen.  An electric car could be cool.  It could be a game changer.  It could be a big giant deal.

Done right I’d buy one myself.  I’d paint “Fuck Middle East Oil” in on the hood, crank the stereo with death metal, use it as a whole house battery backup, and tinker with slinging that dead weigh battery so low that it’ll hold corners like a guided missile.   Innovation can be fun!

The gutless Frankenstein’s monster that is Government Motors took everything edgy and exciting about a new idea and made it into a jobs program.  It’s Jimmy Carter’s sweater.  It’s a poodle in a nation that likes sharks.  The Volt is the 1970’s resurrected from it’s grave.

Americans will rise to a challenge or embark on an adventure.  But they’ll reject enduring “the car we had to make”.

About Adaptive Curmudgeon

I will neither confirm nor deny that I actually exist.
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19 Responses to The Car We Were Forced To Build

  1. cspschofield says:

    The Left can’t do Badass America propaganda because their whole worldview depends on running down America so that they can look morally superior. They can’t even do the old 1930’s Socialist Realism square-jawed-proletariat-facing-the-future stuff anymore because they know that the working men who actually make things (as opposed to those that featherbed through a Union) loath them and all their works.

  2. Weisshaupt says:

    Amen. Sadly giving Americans things to endure is the main goal of the President.

  3. robertsgunshop says:

    What a lame ass commercial. Big pistons in a V pattern. Nothing satisfies like a 400 HP V8.

  4. robertsgunshop says:

    What a lame ass commercial Give me 8 big pistons in a V pattern. 400 HP will do.

    • Just Giving You a Hard Time says:

      You sir are disgusting. I spit upon your V pattern. Such a poor imitation of an inline Internal Combustion Engine has no reason to exist.

  5. Wolfman says:

    Someone, right here in America, is trying to raise a generations of pussies, that worry about doing the thing that makes everyone ‘feel good.’ Screw that. I’m going to continue to drive a big-ass truck. I’m going to hang onto my full-size hardtop coupe from 1967, with an engine measured in cubic inches because nobody wanted to think in cubic feet (it’s almost a quarter of a cubic foot). I’m going to drive both of them like I stole them. You know why? Because it makes ME feel good. If those guys want to feel good, they can go ahead. I’m not obligated to pay their bills. Make something that people want to buy, and they will buy it, and you will continue to be employed. There’s a guy in Great Falls, MT, that has a matching pair of full electric Fords that he build HIMSELF in 1978. I know that because he put the year on the license plate. He drives them around and flips the bird at the gas station. Why did he build them? Cause he COULD and he DID. THAT’S America. You know why people all over the world are allowed to hate us and point their little shit weapons at us, and hate our way of life? Because we, in our nuclear wisdom, have decided to be patient with them. America: We have balls, when we remember it. Tell them, AC!

  6. Joe in PNG says:

    “The Car We Had To Make” is a bit more succinct than “The Car Designed at the Behest of People in Industry and Government Who Don’t Really Know Much About Cars, and Quite Frankly Don’t Really Like Them or What They Represent All That Much, and Would Prefer That You Would Take Public Transportation Instead But There is the Fact That They Need Some Way to Keep All Those Union Jobs Going So Please Buy This Poorly Engineered and Overpriced Piece of Garbage”.

  7. Critter says:

    AC is now my hero.

  8. This post is a thing of beauty.

  9. Ted N says:

    Made it 7 seconds into the commercial. Screw them and their plug in guilt trip. Bleh.

  10. Pingback: IMAO » Blog Archive » Link of the Day: Why You Should Only Buy a Chevy Volt If You Really, Truly Hate America

  11. johngalt says:

    What a fine encomium to America and it’s passion for the automobile . I can think of no better testament to the American spirit and all that is exceptional about our great nation than your words ” Americans don’t endure…we overcome .”
    Very well done sir . A veritable gem of a tribute to America and Americans …. at least the way we were . Alas , we seem to be raising sheep now whose motto is more apropriately ” hope & change” . Of course ” hope” goes well with endure doesn’t it ? Both imply a helplessness/victimization that used to be anathema to Americans .

  12. hammer union says:

    “The car we had to build”? No Detroit and Gubmint Motors. Let me (the guy who is buying it) tell you what you have to build…..
    I need a lumbering rumbling behemoth, belching diesel soot and slapping the pavement silly with a 3000 rpm medley of 500 hp and 1200ft lb of torque breathing fire out of dual 4″ exhaust stacks. I need aggressive enough rubber under me to make roads into places pansies dare not travel. I need to pull a 40ft gooseneck trailer loaded with 2 backhoes and a skidsteer. I need to make liberals and unions drive their chevy voltcart as fast as they can from where I’m at because they smell the unmistakeable scent of red diesel being burned and WORK GETTING DONE! This is America, Where men are men, work is rarely easy and it just has to get done.

  13. raml69 says:

    Of course, at least for me, the volt has one more problem. It’s built by the uaw.

  14. Pingback: Washington Post Encourages My Bashing Of The Volt | The Adaptive Curmudgeon's Blog

  15. Pingback: Chevy Volt Versus An Electric Vehicle That Isn’t Crap | The Adaptive Curmudgeon's Blog

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