Grandma Test Win!

Behold what I have wrought!

What you see are eight loaves of (mostly) 100% whole wheat bread.

Like me, they’re misshapen, crude, and simple.  Also like me, they’re awesome!

They taste delicious; hearty and fulfilling.  As a guy who thinks most cooking stories should start with “first I killed it”, this is a new plateau in non critter cookery.  I’m double extra pleased with the results.  (The only drawback is the loaves bumped into each other when I crammed them into the oven…otherwise they’d look pretty too.)

This is my second batch.  The first one was so good I had to re-test to make sure it wasn’t a fluke.  The jury is in, delicious bread can be created by an idiot like me.  (I rarely venture beyond the crutch of my bread machines.)  I credit my wife for the excellent psy-ops brain manipulation of giving me a recipe book for Christmas and then watching me follow it like a lab rat seeking cheese.

Incidentally the cup in front is Hard Red Spring Wheat Berries.  I just wanted to make the point that stuff that you buy dirt cheap in a 50# bag can become delicious.  There are certain technologies involved…it’s not like I pounded the flour with a rock.  Other than that there is little else in the bread; four ingredients (all of which Grandma would have on stock) plus yeast and water.

Strike back against the high fructose monosodium enhanced concentrated wombat shit we are trained to unthinkingly shovel into our gaping American maws.  Real food is delicious, healthy, cheap, and kicks ass.

About Adaptive Curmudgeon

I will neither confirm nor deny that I actually exist.
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8 Responses to Grandma Test Win!

  1. Uh oh, he’s gradeaated to the oven!
    Where do you get “dirt-cheap” wheat? All the stuff I’ve seen online & in meatspace costs 2x flours already milled (I know, fresher=better).
    I’m tuning the 50/50 as you suggested; addition of egg was HUGE.
    We stopped buying wombat shit as of last week, after buying a 50# bag of bread flour.

  2. ZerCool says:

    Recipe, please? Always looking for new bread recipes.

  3. Wolfman says:

    But I use all natural ORGANIC wombat shit! Imported from Australia using planes that burn all natural whale oil! Seriously, though, good lookin bread. Mine never comes out with that much rise, I may have to cast about for a new recipe. I dig the Grandma test, great phrase!

  4. Phil B says:

    Making bread rise is easy. Here’s how:
    1) Put a cast iron skillet in the bottom of the oven
    2) Heat the oven to about 20 degrees HOTTER than your bread needs
    3) When you are ready, put the bread in, dump a half cup of boiling water onto the skillet,close the door and then turn the temperature down 20 degrees (to the “correct: temperature).
    4) after 5 to 7 minutes, open the oven door for about 5 seconds to let the steam out.

    Theory is, as soon as the crust forms, the bread can’t expand so comes out dense. The steam stops the crust from drying out forming to soon – after the 5 minutes or so, the bread has expanded as much as it will ever do so open the door to get rid of the steam and allow the crust to form in the dry heat. YMMV, depending on your oven etc.

    As told to me by an old baker. The dense bread he sold as “travel bread” – just as tasty and nutritious but took up a lot less room. And people bought it!

    Phil B

  5. MSgt B says:

    For true consistency you’ll need to have this bread tested by a panel of experts. I’d say about 3 or 4 would do it.
    I’m selflessly volunteering to come over and eat all the shit you make and share my opinion about it.

  6. Nancy R. says:

    Another request for the recipe, please! If I can make a fricasse of beans, apple pie and oysters ragout over an open fire, I should able to handle this. Maybe.The only problem I foresee is Shorter Half eating it faster than I can make it.

  7. Pingback: Grandma Bread | The Adaptive Curmudgeon's Blog

  8. Pingback: Culinary Report | The Adaptive Curmudgeon's Blog

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