Highway code in a bumper car ride? I think not! Before I go off on a ramble I’ll add a few caveats:
- This happened in Britain. Sorry to say it but Britain, like California, is lost territory in the war to hold on to reality. I really miss the lost aura of Brit moxie. What happened?
- I’m in America. The cities and the coasts might be dissolving into helplessness but no amount of patchuli oil, veganism, self-loathing, and navel gazing will overcome our heartland’s innate love of harmless mayhem. Our citizenry understands the entertainment value of destruction and it will not be denied. How else do you explain professional wrestling, monster trucks, and Jerry Bruckheimer movies? If you outlaw bumper cars in Coney Island, youths in Brooklyn might just start rampaging with real cars in the parking lot. For we are both crazy…and equipped! (Try that shit with light rail!) Our delightful lack of sophistication might keep “dodgems” safely contained in the Euro-zone where they belong.
However, one must be ever vigilant. I’m constructing my own bumper car entertainment venue called “hitem”. It will follow tried and true American ideals. From back when men were men and lawyers/politicians/community organizers were kept on short leashes and mocked hourly. Here are the details of true American style “hitems”:
- All vehicles are powered by 350 cubic inch V-8 engines. They can burn unleaded, diesel, ethanol, bourbon, or uranium. No hybrids allowed.
- For some reason fuel injection is banned. I don’t know why. It’s a NASCAR thing and I live too far north to understand such matters.
- Any vehicle that does not collide with another for a period of longer than thirty seconds is disqualified, seized, and sold on e-bay. Proceeds will be used to buy beer for the winner. In keeping with the all-American style of the event the beer will be canned tasteless swill.
- Vehicles will have straight pipe headers that point to the sky. Contestants will gain points for every bird overhead that dies from the shock waves.
- It is said that Europeans think a hundred miles is a long way while Americans think a hundred years is a long time. In keeping with our view of geography, the contest arena will be roughly the size of Luxemburg.
- Contestants may choose to equip their vehicle with a safety cage. Those who forgo a safety cage must pre-pay funeral expenses.
- The start of each round will be announced by Dr. Deelgood:
- This is the final and most important rule: any lawyers who wish to file liability suits will have to hand deliver the appropriate paperwork to the complaint department which is in the center of the arena. I’m a sporting guy so I’ll give him a three step head start before I turn the other contestants loose.