Dickens Chickens

Because I’m too Curmudgeonly to take up golf as a hobby I raise chickens on the side. It’s a little extra cash for a little extra work. Life is like that. We sell eggs and recently started taking orders for meat birds. The latter is a simple arrangement where people give me money now and I give them a bird for the BBQ in summer. It’s a new expansion of my patented plan to rule the universe through homesteading™.

I expected little or no interest and really only wanted to fill our freezer. Instead we immediately sold out. Apparently free range meat birds is an unfilled niche? Maybe I underestimated the expense and priced too low? Who knows?

To my surprise several people wanted to “visit their birds” during the summer. Huh? I generally don’t like anyone on my property but I’ll readily make an exemption for paying customers. I think I’ll go with the ecotourism model. I’ll keep a shovel ready and ask them if they’d like to experience a couple hours of genuine homestead shit shoveling. I aim to please!

One customer also asked: “Do you take good care of your chickens?”

This question intrigues me. Of course I take good care of my chickens. I pride myself on it. On the other hand they’re chickens; destined to be killed, disemboweled, and eaten. I’m nice to them and they get a great living environment, good food, and (being free range) more freedom than any factory raised chicken gets but I’m not going to send them to college. The guy was honestly worried and I calmed his concerns…but I scarcely contained the thousand funny responses that popped in my head. I’m including a few here because blogs are the natural home of sarcasm.

Q: Do you take good care of your chickens?

A: No. We beat them daily. We also do the following:

  1. We send them to sub standard schools and teach them Ebonics.
  2. We hitch them to tiny rickshaws and make them give the cat rides.
  3. We post their social security numbers on the Internet.
  4. We make them dig tiny mine shafts to produce zinc.
  5. We sign them up for expensive long term cell phone plans.
  6. We force them to watch FOX news and tell them that everything they hear is true.
  7. We play NPR radio 24/7. Several chickens committed suicide over global warming.
  8. We make them sell magazine subscriptions door to door.
  9. We use them for animal testing on the brain damage suffered by reading too much spam.
  10. We force them to watch HSN and offer credit cards at 55.5% APR
  11. We make them pay us room and board and buy water rationing stamps.
  12. We charge them $46 a month for basic cable.
  13. We take them to the airport and make them go through the TSA line with a pair of nail clippers.
  14. We make them fight cage matches with Pokemon cards.
  15. We hire them out as CPAs during tax season.
  16. We sent the rooster to sexual harassment training.
  17. We make them wear ten pieces of flair.
  18. We don’t offer a 401(k) match.
  19. We make them work in cubicles, commute by bus and only offer decaf coffee.
  20. We make them worship us as Gods.


21. We keep an authoritarian boot firmly on the neck of their proletariat uprisings.

About Adaptive Curmudgeon

I will neither confirm nor deny that I actually exist.
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