You can count on horror movies to follow the established pattern. The most clichéd is the “gotchya scene”. After a tremendous CGI enhanced fight the good guy seemingly has defeated a bad guy/werewolf/vampire/alien/politician. Half the cast is dead, broken glass is everywhere and there is blood on the ceiling. It’s like some parties I’ve attended. The enemy has fallen to the ground/imploded/exploded/melted/dissipated. It’s over…
But you know it’s not really over! Our hero, because it’s required by the script, turns away, drops his weapon, and inexplicably loses interest in staying alive. What’s up with that?!? Just for the record, if Nosferatu keels over in my backyard after being dosed with holy water, dismembered with a chainsaw, and decapitated with a silver sword…I’m not calling it quits. That bastard gets burned/chopped/diced/buried/incinerated too. In the face of evil you fold, mutilate, and spindle it before you kick back and crack a beer. We all know it’s good practice to pump a few more rounds into the zombie’s gasping corpse. Make sure the job is done. Be thorough! Don’t let your guard down until the credits have rolled and the DVD is ejected and on the table. Sheesh…it’s just common sense.
But the script requires the hero to stare at the sunrise in the distance while the evil, unstoppable, used car salesman from Hell gets back into the game. The audience screams at the hero; “Turn around you chowderhead!” It never works. There are rules to scripting and Hollywood can’t violate them. The enemy regenerates/recovers/reappears and silently lurches at our heroic moron who is dimly ignoring the mirror that would show him the monster’s inexorable approach. Then the battle starts all over again for another 20 minutes of blood and screaming.
Why am I mentioning this?
Because it is February. And I live in the north. And it’s warm out.
People have a spring in their step. Grumpy pale people are emerging from ice shacks and blinking at the unfamiliar light in the sky. I found myself humming and flipping through a garden seed catalog yesterday. Hmmm…tomatoes….
It’s not over yet! I shouldn’t let my guard down. I should be making mid season repairs to the winter beaters and shoveling more snow off the roof before the ice dams turn back into cement and cave in my roof. It could be -20 next week. Don’t turn your back on winter!
The science is settled! It’s still winter until a truck sinks. Only a fool would go into condition white in mid February!
But it’s so darned nice out. I think I’ll take a walk in the park.
I’m doomed aren’t I?
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