Fat Lady: Not Yet Ready To Sing

I like politics and I like rodeos. They’re both incoherent and violent yet shamefully entertaining. Nothing makes me happier than seeing someone get stomped into the dirt because they’re stupid enough to try riding a bull. The freak show emanating from DC has made riding bullshit a religion.


Nanci Pelosi executes the "Flying Fillibuster" on a newly elected U.S. Representative.


However a good election requires both parties in heated competition. When one goes all limp (Democrats) or implodes (Republicans) it’s just a mind numbing slog of mediocrity. Luckily, this year has all the hallmarks of an exciting upset with a charged up Republican party out to tear the shit out of Democrats who spent 2008 looking infallible.

I love big shifts of party control because incumbents get thinned out. The table is set for big Republican gains and everybody and their dog is predicting it. However, I’ve been thinking this over and have my doubts. I’ve stumbled across a historical fact which may mean a huge Republican sweep is not a foregone conclusion. Here comes another patented Curmudgeonly Gem of Insight:

It is not humanly possible to overestimate the Republican party’s ability to snatch defeat from the hands of victory.

I was reminded of this by two negative campaign mailings that the Republican party sent me last week. They both said something like this:

“Candidate X, who is a Democrat, is unmitigated evil. She has sex with communist gay nuns, sets fire to churches, stole Federal money to open a whorehouse, causes gout, is related to Saddam Hussein, and beats puppies with a tire iron. She is single handedly trying to end all of western civilization and life as we know it. Vote for her and your life will forevermore be bereft of joy and your dick will fall off.”

Wow! That’s a whole load of negative. Bile dripped from the page. My mailbox needs to be fumigated. I burned the mailing and buried the ashes and the grass there has since died.

What about all the good things they said about their guy? Whoops…no mention of him. It took some Internet sleuthing to figure out the name of their candidate. It appears the guy doesn’t know how to register with Google. Good grief! I got two mailings saying candidate X would cause cancer and was in league with Satan but they couldn’t spare a word to sell me on their sainted choir boy? That just pisses me off!

Surprisingly I’ve met Candidate X. She came to my house to personally ask for my vote. I harangued the poor woman with a long list of things I did NOT want from the government. I carefully pointed out that I live in the middle of nowhere and therefore have no expectation of big city government services and will go apeshit at big city tax rates. She tried hard to convince me to vote for her and I give her credit for her perseverance. In the end she seemed too willing to promise me shiny toys for a vote and I expected to vote for her opponent. I took her pamphlet (which I threw out) and promptly forgot all about her.

The table was set for the Republicans to get my vote merely because the Democrat hadn’t closed the deal. Then the Republicans sent me two handy reminders of the humble and considerate person who came directly to my house and a contrasting text that vomited disgusting hyperbole all over the kitchen. They put me in a quandary. If I vote for their guy…whom they failed to mention…I’m going to feel dirty and used. If I vote for Candidate X I get someone I didn’t quite want but it’s a solid “fuck you” to the jackoffs who sent all that frothing bile and hatred to my mailbox. I’d almost vote for Stalin if the Republicans sent me a mailing like that against him. They’ve worked mighty hard to chase my vote to the other side.

Remember that I said it first. If Republicans don’t sweep huge now it’s because they took a winning hand and shit all over it by running bad campaigns. If they sweep huge now they’ll self immolate by 2012. Either way they’ve internalized failure too completely to come up with anything remotely truthful or inspiring. If, after the votes in 2012 are counted, it turns out I was wildly incorrect I’ll issue a mea culpa (and blame everything on space rays getting through my tinfoil hat) but in the meantime the Republicans should find a way to win an election without acting like feces flinging monkeys.

About Adaptive Curmudgeon

I will neither confirm nor deny that I actually exist.
This entry was posted in Curmudgeonly Gems of Insight, Harangue-a-bang-bang!. Bookmark the permalink.

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