Chipmunk Wars: Part III

It was a day and a half before the inside cat detected a perimeter breach. The inside cat, being useless like all cats, spent sixteen hours sleeping while it pondered this new information. Then, after another nap, it decided to go see if chipmunks were fun to play with.

It dimly understood that it was an inside cat and had not yet been demoted to outside cat for reasons specifically related to the inside rodent population. Or something. Humans were boring and their goals never made sense. They used lots of words to explain stuff that was irrelevant. Also, they never fed cats as quickly as they should. Plus the humans had a stupid dog. The cat had no idea why she let the pathetic humans keep a dog in her house. She’d look into this oversight sometime and have the dog shot. Maybe it was also time to get new humans to replace the losers currently on staff? As soon as the cat had this thought it forgot about it and went to sleep. Then it was lunchtime. Or maybe it was dinner?

Eventually the cat remembered it’s goal of seeking the chipmunk but then it decided to lick it’s own ass instead. After that it took another nap. Later that weekend, after the cat had taken six more naps and sharpened it’s claws on the couch, it got to work.

It found the chipmunk in the basement and attacked. Except the cat lacked the one thing a cat really needs, a killer instinct. The chipmunk scooted up the wall and into the sub-basement. The cat lost interest.

Later the cat remembered something furry and went into the sub-basement to investigate. The chipmunk exploded over the ductwork. The cat thought running over the ductwork seemed like a fun thing to do. It followed noisily. The human upstairs heard the racket and arrived with a flashlight. Humans suck.

The battle raged on while the human cheered. “Get it, get it, get it. Kill the stupid chipmunk you dummy!” The cat, being useless, liked to chase critters but had no stomach for killing. The chipmunk flitted into the crawlspace and disappeared. The cat lost interest again. The human began cursing. That guy sure had an elaborate vocabulary. The cat immediately went to her box to take a big smelly dump which the human would eventually have to clean up. Being a cat rocks.

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About Adaptive Curmudgeon

I will neither confirm nor deny that I actually exist.
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4 Responses to Chipmunk Wars: Part III

  1. Pingback: Here You Thought I Had All The Fun « Ornery Bastard

  2. Pingback: The Best Sales Pitch Ever (Chipmunk Epilogue) | The Adaptive Curmudgeon's Blog

  3. Pingback: Cat Update | The Adaptive Curmudgeon's Blog

  4. Pingback: Finally a Cat Update | The Adaptive Curmudgeon's Blog

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